A Random :)

So...I just noticed that it's been FOREVER since I last posted...it seems a little crazy, but time has just gone by so quickly that I can't even believe it! I'm 30 weeks on Sunday, and Steven and I are in the home-stretch prep for having our daughter.

We talked a lot about DD and it's place in our life after our little girl is born, and we've decided that it's such an integral, comforting part of our life that we're going to find a way to make it work. I know many of you have kids and manage, so I feel like we can, too. Plus, especially with all the hormones, and school, and being one income, and trying to get the nursery ready, and everything else--I've really felt much better since he stopped being so lenient. At first, he really tried to be understanding and was very lax with the rules; and, at first, I really appreciated it...but, then, I started to feel less grounded. I felt like the boundaries that I find so comforting were gone, and our relationship was suffering for it. I know it's my responsibility to behave regardless, but I got so stressed that I needed an outlet.

He still doesn't do much in the way of actual spanking--not while I'm pregnant. It's not that he thinks it's unsafe, exactly, because it's not like he beats the snot out of me or anything, but he prefers other forms of "maintenance" and punishment--plus, my big ol' belly makes things really awkward, positionally speaking!! So, we're back into the realm of lines and other such things. And, while it's not my favorite thing to be punished, the back-to-reality-of-our-relationship-ness of it has been super calming. And, I've really appreciated it. :)

And--the man is like a saint in tending to me! He has been so good about working around my exhaustion and encouraging me to continue exercise and eat better--I failed my first, and partially failed my second, glucose screening, so I have to retake the three hour, but the exercise and better eating has really helped me feel better, too! My back still gives me fits, but not nearly as often. And, for my birthday--Oct. 22!!--he got me a showerhead that is like a massage, I swear, and some peppermint soap and some pumpkin lotion...yum! Plus, he carved pumpkins with me!! That was the first time in all our years together we've done that; for whatever reason, pumpkin guts make the hubby gag, so it was quite the sacrifice for him to do it with me. (Don't worry, I got the guts out.... :P). And his pumpkin ended up looking way better than mine! :) And, feeding me--geez, that's been a challenge.

One night, I was feeling particularly weepy and irritable. Poor guy, he asked what I wanted for dinner, and I told him I was sick of eating, I was like a whale, she was kicking me, and we were never eating again! I was totally over it! After several attempts to cajole me into telling him what I would eat, he gave up. "Ok, then. I'm going to make spaghetti, since you don't like that anyway."

"Fine," I told him huffily. "Eat, if you want to!" He shrugged it off, for the most part, and made himself some spaghetti...and toast.

I love toast. Love it. My eyes filled.

"You didn't even ask me if I wanted any toast!" I whimpered. He looked up.

"You told me you were never eating again. I can make you some toast--would you like me to?"

"No...you just assumed I didn't want any. So I guess now your daughter and I are just going to starve to death!"

And....that's how I've been. Of course, later, I apologized, when I realized I was being utterly insane...but you guys should give my husband a round of applause just for not strangling me over the past 30 weeks!! :)

And...I can't really think of anything else to say, but I'm sorry this was so late, so random, and so utterly disjointed. :) Welcome to my pregnant mind.

It's A....

GIRL! Steven and I have now had two different ultrasounds, both of which confirmed my suspicions that we were having a little girl. :)

Honestly, the idea of that was shocking at first--we both really wanted a boy, and never really even considered the possibility of it being anything OTHER than a boy...Right up until about 15 weeks when I started that bleeding. When I had my ultrasound and there were no little boy parts, less than a week before we were supposed to be able to tell what it was, I thought to myself, "Oh, man...this is NOT a boy." Steven disagreed, and held on to his boy beliefs right up until the ultrasound that proved me right--sort of, anyway. He was awfully willing to start looking at girl names when I suggested it! I expected to be almost disappointed when I found out it was girl; I don't feel like a very good girl, myself, and all the "what in the world am I going to do with a girl thoughts" were hitting hard. Instead, I found myself strangely delighted. She's old enough in utero now to hear me, and I rather enjoy working around the house, talking to my little girl. And day dreaming about the all possibilities in store for her--that's another favorite activity! But...all that to say--we were both thrilled and have really enjoyed the whole idea of our little miss.


((Any tips would still be greatly appreciated...the notion of having a child, of naming another human being and being totally responsible for them catches me off guard some days!))

Super Speedy Update On Baby M!

  Soo....I know it's been a few minutes since I've gotten the chance to post--between no internet at home, trying to prepare for the increasing nearness of our baby's arrival, (20 weeks, almost!! Almost halfway there!!), and trying to get ready for school, it's been a hopping few weeks.

  Thankfully, this part of the second trimester seems to really be looking up. I only throw up once or twice a day, my back has been MUCH improved(I even mowed our lawn!), and I've barely bled at all. We did get to find out the gender and have chosen a name, but those things are secret until Thursday, at least. :) Suffice it to say, we're quite pleased.

  School starts on Monday, and I've really been trying to get my ducks in a row so that the end of the semester can go smoothly--I'll take my last final at 36 weeks and 5 days of my pregnancy. Steven has been such a huge help; he's tending, and sweet, and willing to cook, despite that being kind of a shot in the dark--I swear, I THOUGHT I wanted those chicken patties!

But, my study group just arrived, so I'm going to have to run--I'll try and update later with the gender!!! :) :) :)

Thanks, guys, again, for all your sweet support throughout all the ups and downs of mine and Steven's relationship, and now, this latest development. :) Ya'll are the best!

"I Danss Cuz I Happy" (I Love Lolcats) BABY UPDATE

Very quick update, because I'm particularly exhausted today: had an appointment this morning because the cramping and bleeding increased last night and turned the bright red of new blood.

Very fortunately, it's not the baby that's the issue...this one is all Momma. My cervix looks "like hamburger meat." The doc said it happens in some pregnancies--that for whatever reason, hormones, whatever,  the cervix gets really raw. So, it won't affect the baby really in any way. I'll likely experience some discomfort and bleeding throughout the pregnancy, though he said the issue may resolve sooner. So, all ya'lls' prayers and good vibes went with us this morning!! Thank you so much!!

Didn't Stop...

So, I left off my last post basically saying the bleeding was over, since that's what the doctor told me. He said there was no blood left inside, and he didn't think I'd see anymore at all.

I woke up Sunday morning bleeding out clots and enough blood to soak through my underwear and down my legs. Steven and I Dopplered the heartbeat, and found it trucking along like normal. I called the on call physician back, still concerned. "Honestly," he told me, "I have no idea why you're bleeding. It should have stopped, not increased. But, we know you aren't dilating prematurely, because I saw you yesterday and checked. You've done at home all we could do here--found the heartbeat and seen the blood. So, my recommendation to you is to take it easy, and call your OB first thing in the morning. I have a feeling he'll want to see you."

And, that was that. I've bled and had some cramping and just been generally uncomfortable for the past couple of days. I called first thing, as he recommended, and I have an appointment this afternoon to see what the problem is. If ya'll could be praying for us, sending all good thoughts and positive vibes this way that you can muster, we'd certainly appreciate it.

Back To Bed I Go

Sooo....got up this morning and decided to have lunch with Steven at work. I called and verified what time he was going, and then loaded up and headed that way. I peed(for the sixth time this morning!) before I left, but, as per my usual, was desperate to pee again by the time I reached his work.

I did my business, but, when I wiped, I noticed a brown smear on the toilet paper. Surprised, I did a double take. And then a third. Wiped again. More blood. Again, more blood. Uneasy, I cleaned myself up and called my ever-present mother.

"Mom, I'm bleeding...it's not a lot, and it didn't hurt, but do you think I should call the doc?" She assured me that it was probably nothing, but to call anyway...I did, before I realized it was Saturday. The only way to reach a doctor was to page the on-call physician. I called Mom back. "It says for emergencies," I told her. "I'm not sure this qualifies...I mean, no pain, old looking blood...what do you think?"

"Well, it can't hurt to double check. Probably page the physician." So, I called the nurse's line again, was told to rest and be still until I heard back from the doctor, and that he would call in the next few minutes."

Fifteen minutes later, we were on our way to the hospital, to the pregnant woman portion of a triage. I was checked over thoroughly(super unpleasant...don't know how I'm going to get that baby out of there...). There were signs that I had been bleeding, but the doctor said the inside looked good, there weren't any active bleeds that he could tell, the baby's heart was still thumping along at it's usual pace of about 140, my cervix was still closed and plugged and "high and tight". He said that, for right now, he wouldn't worry overmuch about it. The typed and screened my blood, said there shouldn't be any problems with the Rh factor, and to continue with a routine visit to my regular OB. So. That all looked pretty good.

Then, when I finally arrived home, I opened the door to find that my Great Dane had escaped his room and torn trash from one end of the house to another. When he heard my gasp of dismay, he beat feet. I spent a measly few moments staring at the...the carnage...( I don't think there's another word...we've had a fair bit of meat recently, and the fatty trimmings had been in the trash, along with the typical banana peels and peach pits) before I set out to find my dog. I searched high and low--in the bed rooms, the office, under the beds, in the closets...but, seriously, how do you lose a Great Dane??


((NOTE:: Not my dog, not my tub.))

Finally found him in the shower, carefully hidden away behind the curtain, with only a ruffled edge to give him away. I coaxed. I pleaded. I yelled. I pointed. He would NOT leave the shower. I've never hit this dog, but he was abused in the past, before we rescued him, and he fears our anger somewhere around the level of thunderstorms and the apocalypse. Finally, I gave up on that, and hid outside the bathroom, behind the door. When he finally emerged, I shut the door behind him and escorted him, lecturing all the way, outside.

Then, Mom called again...she needed me to meet her near the house. I agreed, and got back in the car--and wouldn't you know it? The oil light came on, red and angry.

So. Now, I've given Mom what she needed, cleaned up the trash and am finally back again in comfy pajamas--clothes I intend to make good use of--along with my bed and good book. I don't plan to come back out until Steven gets home.

House-Wife-ing 101

So. My entire living with Stephen life, I have not been any kind of house-wife. I worked, usually two jobs, and, by the time I arrived home, the last thing I wanted to do was work. He mostly felt the same. Our house wasn't filthy, or grimy, but it was cluttered, and there was always at least  a few dishes in the sink and a few loads of laundry we'd yet to even start. Dog hair was on every article of clothing we owned, and doggy nose art decorated the windows. A stray paw-print often found its way onto our sheets, and the closest I came to being domestic was to light a few candles and be sure the counters stayed swiped clean.

Since the loss of my job, I've felt it was really important for me to contribute in other ways. Namely, if he's going to support us and the house we've come to love, then the least I could do was keep up with the house-work. Easy-peasy, right? After all, I've watched my mother do this for years. How bad could it be?

Yeah, right.

What I've learned is that I've learned nothing about keeping house in the 23 years I've been alive. The dishes and the laundry seem a constant uphill battle; why does anyone ever cook, when they've just washed all those pans? And, how did that splatter of macaroni and cheese get on the stove I just wiped? And paw-prints shouldn't be on sheets, and these clothes just came out of the dryer, how are they already covered in white and black and fawn and grey hair? And, the trash! It piles up in two or three days! (Usually Stephen has dealt with the trash, so that was kind of a shock.) I read a book once, and, in it, a woman bemoans that, according to her mother's rules, she's "failed, because the kitchen floor is dirty." I know exactly how she feels! Every day, when Stephen leaves for work, I make a list of things/projects I need to accomplish before he returns: Take Grammy to the library, sweep the floors, start a load of a laundry, dishes, Dad's physical therapy appointment, those library books are due back at the end of the week, and have the bills been organized and paid? Our calender is still on Janurary...and I've felt so overwhelmed. When my husband gets home at night, sometimes I just want to cry, because my list is still a mile long. We've not even hardly discussed a nursery, I can't even keep up with the rest of the house...how am I going to do this all once school is back in and I have a baby?? How do you ladies do it?? I know ya'll have tips, I've read your blogs! It looks like you all juggle everything so well, and I'm desperate to know how you manage it!

Tips, tricks, anything, please!

Already Infrequent Posts...

Are probably about to get even more infrequent. I was forced to resign this morning from work. They left me zero options, telling me that my "restrictions really leave us no options to make available to you." This cuts our income in half. And, with the condition of my pregnancy, anyway, it's highly unlikely that I'll find another job that will work with school hours, restrictions, and frequent flare-ups that require me to miss work.

That being said, we're trying to bottom-line. We'll be cutting our internet, our gym memberships--anything we can afford to lose, will be gone. It's been a tough decision and an emotionally draining, harrowing experience.

In addition, my step-grandfather passed away quite suddenly. All in all, it's been a tough few weeks.

Still, we're trying to be positive. We had an ultrasound that looked great today--the first where the baby looked like a baby! I had a slight weight gain--which the doctor was thrilled with, considering my morning(yeah, right...afternoon and night sickness, too!) sickness. All of our tests came back great; I get one more check, his has over-time and holiday pay on it. We had a fabulous forth of July(hope ya'll did, too!). Our dogs are doing wonderful--not one fight since the neutering!

Plus, I'm leaning pretty heavily on a WONDERFUL song(if you guys haven't heard it, go check it out...). It's called "Oceans(Where Feet May Fail)". So, all that to say--I'm sorry this is so disjointed. I'm feeling a little adrift. Any good thoughts, prayers, etc. will be much, much appreciated!! :)



https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7QR2KGmL50k   <---Link to that song! :) :) :)

What Would I Do Without My Mother...

  So, another pretty quick update, because I'm not allowed to sit up for very long. Really, I'm only allowed to sit up to eat, or other such short endeavors.

  I, as some of you may know, have three "dads". My biological, my first step-dad(who raised me), and my current step-dad. And, I know it's a little late, but, for Father's Day, Stephen and I are going to do a Father's Day cookout at our house. To help me prepare, my saint of a mother came over Wednesday night to help me clean. All day that day, I'd worked on the house, but slowly...there was a slight catch in my back every time I straightened or moved too quickly.

By the next morning, I could barely walk, couldn't get myself dressed, or on or off the toilet by myself. Everything, even rolling over in bed, was excruciating. By 6:45 in the morning, I caved and called my mom again, asking her what to do. In typical, my mother fashion--she was at my house with ice packs within thirty minutes, and she'd already started making calls to the various chiropractors in the area. She was convinced my "back was out." And, in a manner of speaking, it is.



Really, though, in what my doctor says is a common situation for pregnant women, my expanding pelvis is weakening and is pressing on my sciatic nerve and my back also refuses to stay anywhere near in alignment. He insisted that I not work, at least for this week, and go down to 8 or 10 hour days when I return to work. As it stands, I'm not able to sit for long, stand for long, lay on my back for an extended period of time, I have to ice it regularly, and, though I'm much improved, I still have to go back every two days or so for the next week and have help getting around. My mother has been a god-send, while Stephen works long 12 hour days. She has helped me dress, fed me, helped me clean my house, played chauffeur, as I can't drive, and just in general been an absolute miracle. Even now, she and my step-dad are outside, mowing our grass.



Really, I don't know what we'd do without them! But, it's about time for another ice pack, so I'll update again later...hopefully with "hey, as I start the second trimester, all the difficulties of pregnancy have mysteriously vanished!" :P

I hope you all are doing well, and I can't tell you how much I appreciate your comments. :)

Quick Update

So...it's been a bit since our, rather shocking, discovery of my pregnancy. And, boy, it's been an eventful ride so far! Four days after my last post, I went in for an ultrasound. Since I was unaware that it was a transvaginal ultrasound, myself, Steven, his mother, and my mother were all present.

I'll leave out most of that humiliating event--except to say, when they started looking, the tech found: nothing. Not a sac, not a baby, nothing. Panicked, I asked, "Well, but, I'm pregnant, right? I mean, I had the blood tests and everything!" To which she replied, "Not by looking at this ultrasound, you're not."

So, they rescheduled for two weeks out, just to see if anything was progressing, or if I'd already lost our little miracle. Then, that weekend, I started bleeding. I went in Monday, a week early, to see what was going on.

This time, there was a little sac, clinging on for dear life. And, an active uterine bleed. Again, we were warned this might not progress, but were told to come back the next Monday, as scheduled, to reevaluate.

The next Monday--there was a little, tiny baby! With a little tiny heartbeat! And only a little bit of extra fluid. Things were definitely looking up.

That was the week I started getting sick. And, I do mean, *sick*. I'm currently down 11 lbs from my pre-pregnancy weight. My dad says all I do is "rent meals." Steven's so used to my constant existence in the bathroom, he walked in on me, throwing up, to ask what I wanted for dinner. And, of course--to sleep. I've done rather a lot of that, too.


Fast forward two weeks: not this past Monday, but the one before, we went back for another ultrasound. The baby had grown. It wiggled, it had little arms and little legs, and an even faster, stronger heartbeat than before. All of the extra fluid was gone, and the uterine bleed had resolved. The doctor says my chances of losing the baby at this point are next to non-existent.

However, as evidenced by the shortness of this post--I still don't feel like much of anything worthwhile. Hopefully, all the first trimester symptoms will have eased in the next couple of weeks. Looking very forward to it!!

Anywho, sorry for the length of time between posts, and for the brevity of the posts I do make. Once I'm a person again, I'm sure I'll be more...normal, lol.

And, thank you ALL SO MUCH for the sweet comments on our little miracle. :) We have been so thankful for all the prayers and well-wishes--clearly, we've needed them!

:) 

Our Miracle

I've lost count of the times I've sat down to write this post...we're just so blown away, I haven't even known how to put what's happened into words. 

Many years ago, when Steven was just a child, he was diagnosed with cancer. He fought a hard battle, and with the aid of chemo and God, he won. His mom told me not long after we became serious that the doctors told them he probably would never have kids.

  With that in mind, there was very little protection when we slept together. At first, we were sort of mindful of when my periods were, but we never REALLY paid attention. And, then, a year ago, I went to see my GYN for a check-up. After asking a series of rather personal questions(I guess that comes with the job description), he told me "not to waste our money on birth control. Between you and him, you will never get pregnant."

  Fast forward. We quit even thinking about kids. Instead, we planned for adoption when I finished my nursing school. Everything perfectly planned out, right in a pretty, perfect order. Married? Check. House? Check. School? Working on it. Full-time jobs? Got 'em. Debt? Slowly but surely cutting it down.

Then, I started getting fatter. No matter what I did, I couldn't lose weight. I ate better. I exercised. I gained, or, at the very least, was unable to lose. I became exhausted. I'd be up for a couple of hours, and then so tired I thought I'd just die if I didn't get some sleep. I was hungry, always, always hungry.

People at work started teasing me about being pregnant. To prove them wrong, I took a test.

Positive.

Four more.

Positive, all.

A doctor's visit, complete with blood work.

Also positive.

I'm pregnant.

And floored.

And ecstatic.

And stunned.

And going back on the 19th for an ultrasound.

We're blessed.

Just wanted to share. 

I Have TO...

I don't have a whole lot to say---it's been a pretty hectic week, really a pretty hectic month; and it still doesn't really seem like anything's happened. As odd as that sounds. This is just a post to basically say that we're still alive and kickin'...

Once things slow down some, I'll get the chance to get back on here and sort all my thoughts into some kind of semblance of order!

:)

:)

(And, this I feel...is the PERFECT LOLCat to support the last month, LOL!)

Snow Day!!

So, firstly--let me just say a couple of little "house-keeping" things.

The weekly letters has seemed to be helpful. So, that's going well. :)

Our two youngest dogs have been neutered, and that's been a trick, let me just tell you...they are wearing the "cones of shame" and are bumping into and getting stuck on EVERYTHING!

AND,

WE HAD A SNOW DAY!! Like...not terribly specific, but I live in East Tennessee...we don't DO snow here. At all. A half inch and schools are closed for days. And we got...wait for it...

NINE INCHES!! Steven and I took that opportunity to start to build a snow man, end up in a snowball war with his brother, take the dogs out in the white winter wonderland of it all, eat snow cream...I mean, we have gone ALL OUT. And, just to prove it--

Our sweet Diesel-boy

Kiesar(More affectionately known as Monkey)

 Outside our window!! 

We buried the ball in the snow. :) 

Loving this. LOVING it. :) 

Trusting a New Start

So. As many of you know, Steven and I--we have some trust issues. Mine come from the whole cheating thing--and it doesn't take just a whole lot to set off those insecurities. His...his are a little different.


When I get upset, I throw bombs. Not even gonna lie. I'm fighting, and, in my family, an argument has always been a "to the death"(figuratively speaking) thing. The things I say are barbed and cutting, and, let's be honest here, they're intended to hurt. His trust issues come from him being open and honest with me, and then me hurting him in return.

Recently, we had a big argument--he didn't want to lend me his phone, I lost my temper, I brought up the whole cheating fiasco in front of his parents...specifically, his dad, whom he idolizes. I was rude and hateful. Did I really feel all those horrible, it's-happening-again-oh-my-I-can't-handle-this feelings? Absolutely. Should I still have been in control of myself? Absolutely. When we got home, I refused to speak to him. And, he, fed up with the whole thing, went to our room and laid down. I traipsed into the kitchen and had my way with a little of the whiskey he keeps. Then, I proceeded to serenade the dogs with various songs from the new Disney movie Frozen.

Which, naturally, alerted him to the fact I wasn't totally sober. He lost his temper, furious that I would drink after everything else. His spanking was a little more than a spanking ought to have been, though mercifully short. I, however, continued to throw bombs. I said the most horrible things I could think of, including, but not limited to, I'm ashamed to say, "If I had known all the SHIT you were going to put me through, the day that I met you, I would have RUN! Turned tail and run! And you know what? I would have been right to do it!"

All that to say, our trust stuff needs some working out. Thankfully, through all of that, we agreed that it needed sorting. It's going to be a long row to hoe, for sure, but we have some ideas that are hopefully going to smooth the road a bit.

Firstly, we're going to write one another weekly letters. From the point we receive them from the other, we have three days before we respond. That time is for thinking, mulling, praying, considering...really 'listening' to the other's point of view. Then, we'll have a sit down chat to discuss what the letters said. They can be positive, or they can be things we're concerned about or feel need addressing. They can be anything. We just think that it's important to kind of..."start over", if you will. I had the really sad realization that we're not really best friends anymore. We need an almost "re-get to know you" period to get a handle on all the things we've let slide.

Secondly, we're reassessing the rules. Together. What they are for me, what they are for him...we've instituted a ten minute rule prior to any spanking. That way, we both know we're both in control of our tempers.

And, we're practicing just being totally honest with one another. It was a hard conversation to have, last night. Long and emotionally grueling--a difficult look at a hard place in our lives. At the same time, though, it was heartening, freeing.I saw a quote not long ago: an interviewer had asked an elderly couple who had been married 65+ years how they'd stayed together. "Easy," they replied. "We came from a time where if something was broken, you fixed it, not threw it away."

And, so, we're looking to that. And to God. And, we're going to fix this.

And...

In celebration of such a declaration--

We had a tickle fight/pillow fight....

I won. :)



(Sort of.)

A Happy :)

Today is a good day. A very good day.

Today I can get some housework done, we have heat, the dogs are playing nicely with one another, and when my husband gets home, we can finally spend some quality time together.

This week has definitely been one of the harder ones since before we got married. I have been exhausted--mentally and physically drained, falling into bed each morning after work, and waking just early enough to get a quick shower in before I went back to work.

My patients have been difficult--either dying or violent. This week, I was doubled over by being hit in the stomach with a breathing machine, I was brutally pinched(like, bruises kind) by a sizable male patient who then assured me the only reason I wasn't already dead is because he couldn't think of  bridge big enough to bury me under, and that he wanted to shove a knife down my throat, just to see what I'd look like, bleeding out. I had a different patient who was placed on Comfort Care--always an emotional experience for me. It's so hard to watch a family grieve a death--especially an impending, not even happened yet--kind of death.

We found out that very, very close friend was in the hospital herself.

The heat man called and asked if he could wait to fix our heat, since it was cold outside.

I'm going to leave that one alone, acutally... :P

All, that to say, I've just been utterly drained.

But, today is a good day. A great day!! Today--I'm off. Steven will be home soon. And, I want to cuddle. :)

I'm looking so forward to seeing my man!!

A Rambling, Slightly Frazzled Look At The New Year So Far...

  With the start of this new year, there has come quite a bit of stress--and, I'm trying to remember--quite a bit of opportunity for improvement, advancement, and growth.

Steven was denied for his financial aid. He can't go to school until the summer, when we can pay for it outright. The downside? This delays our move and adds another thing we need to save for. The upside? We have more time to save, and we have another chance to strengthen our relationship and marriage through pushing through a difficult sort of time.

Our dogs took sizable chunks out of one another. Downside? Uhm, they tore each other up. And, I don't feel as though I can trust them alone. The upside? They finally have a date set to get fixed, something that had kind of fallen to the wayside, in light of their easy going temperaments.

Steven got a promotion. All upside there. A raise, and a move up into a preferable position. :)

School starts back on Tuesday. This is a plus, because I'm finally moving foward, and I can stop working myself into the ground--which is what I do when I don't have school. It's a down, because...geez, I don't want to go back to school.

And the list just keeps going on. I'm feeling like I don't have a lot of control over my life right now, and, unfortunately...it's an easy thing to guess how I respond to the stress...I spiral, spin out. My temper frays, my housework goes uncompleted(largely, in this case, because our heat has been out for nearly two weeks, and they can't come to fix it until Wednesday...it's just been too dang cold to work around the house this past little bit. But....WEDNESDAY!! Woot, woot!! T minus two days!). I feel the need to work more and more and more, and I lose sight of my relationships. Steven has finally started yanking me back down to earth, and I'm grateful for it. Even if it means my hand cramps from writing lines(seriously. one of my LEAST favorite things to do! Especially since he doesn't do the whole, short "I will stop...blah blah blah" kind of line. Ooooh, no. His is all, "I understand that my attitude has had detrimental effects on myself, my husband, and our relationship. It is within my ability to change my attitude, and I will do so immediately.") ((Makes me shudder just remembering how long THAT took)), and I'm super sore when I sit, also. He just goes to being super strict about everything. There's no leeway, no wiggle room, no leniency, no easing off, or reducing punishments...it's just been no fun at all.

I still feel a little out of control, but...at the same time, I'm comforted to know at least ONE of us is in control and calm about everything.

So...

Yeah.


On that note, hoping everyone else is having a good start to the new year....it's nearly time for bed for me!!

Utter Panic

I know this is going to seem ridiculous, something crazy to be so upset about that I feel the need to "get it off my chest"...but, I don't remember the last time my heart was squeezed so tightly in my throat, or panic sat so deeply in my belly.

I was on the phone with Steven this afternoon as I pulled into our driveway. He was at work, and I was happily chattering away on his lunch break. I opened our door and, as always, went straight to let the dogs out. All three bounded past, and I never even looked in the room; instead, I followed them to the front door and swung it open. When they stepped out into the better light, I noticed a sort of sticky looking residue on Kiesar, my Doberman, and Diesel, Steven's Boxer. I squinted.

"Steven, I think the dogs peed and laid in it or something," I groused, moving back to check their room to see the extent of the damage. When I slid open their door again and stepped inside, I nearly vomited. Blood was sprayed all up the four white walls, staining thick ropes and splatters and droplets crimson. It soaked their sleepy-time blanket, and great red drops of it covered the floor. "Oh, my...oh, oh, oh..." I know Steven must have been frustrated, listening to my voice rise in panic, and me, hardly able to enunciate what I was seeing. When I finally stammered it out to him, I ran back to the front yard, just in time to see Ki limping up the steps and blood dripping down the white patch on Diesel's chest.

I don't know what set them off. I've never before even seen these two buddies shoot each other a dirty look...and here they are...both laying beside me, licking deep puncture wounds all over each others' bodies--bites that they caused. There's a certain hesitancy there, on both parts, though more on Ki's than Diesel's, but they seem to be improving. Still, it terrifies me to see the chunk torn out of my Dobie's ear and the huge punctures all over their heads, faces, ears, chests, legs....

I feel so stunned and scared and sickened.

And, I still can't get the blood off the walls.