Kypr's On Vacay, Too...

No joke. I guess my little butt-to-brain messenger thought he wouldn't be needed...and, I suppose, when he asked if he could take a day or two off, the conversation went a little something like this:

Sooo, Grace.

Sooo, Kypr. What can I do for you?

Well...ya know, you've been on this daily maintenance thing for a week or two now...

Yeah. SO glad Steven decided we didn't need that on vacation. And, when we talked about it, it didn't sound at all like we were starting back up when we got home! Good news!

Sure is! I've been feeling very...I don't know...

Overworked?

Yeah! That's the word! Overworked. So, I was thinking...

Yeah?

Well, if you're going to be on vacation, I thought maybe I could take a lil break myself. You know, lay out, catch some rays.


Sounds fine with me...be careful not to get burnt. Sunscreen's important around here, apparently. Steven been laying it to me. Apparently, I don't know how to put it on...I wind up splotchy. 

Don't worry--I'm sure I have some 50 SPF laying around. See ya in a few days! Behave!

Always...I'm an angel, right?

But...he was gone. And, he's stayed gone...this vacation has not eased up in stress, I'm afraid. Steven now has a full-blown ear infection, and my mom called about the dogs. Apparently, they've torn our house to shreds, and she's concerned about leaving them there. If you remember, they're huge, so it's a bit pricey to board them. And, I'd had a drink already when we were having THAT little conversation..

Then, this morning, Steven made a comment that I found hurtful, though, certainly, that's not how he meant it. I flipped straight back into shut-down, smart-alec, why are you speaking to me mode.

He found a hanger.

And, with Kypr gone---

OUCH.

Unfortunately(fortunately, ahem), his family is sharing a little condo with us, and there wasn't really opportunity to spank.

UNfortunately, he's decided lines will suffice til we get home...

Where spanking will commence, once again..

I hope Kypr finds his way home soon.

Very Vexing Vacation

 

  Ahhhh, sandy beaches, salty air, and beautiful, cresting waves...

 An awesome, incredible place, to be sure: Myrtle Beach.

I'll say, though, that the getting here, and the first day here, took some work. And, I also don't know if I'll post again, since Steven and I are on vacation with his family, so I thought I'd go ahead and do it, so that no one would think I'd fallen off the face of the earth entirely. :)

We jumped through quite some hurdles to get here; first off, I've mentioned before that I work a fair bit. One of my jobs, noting that I was going to be gone for a week, decided that they wanted to keep me as late as humanly possible...

So, the day we planned to leave--they scheduled me to work, figuring that, if I worked a morning shift, I could still leave that night...that makes sense, right?

Except we planned on leaving that morning. Instead, I wound up working a closing shift and didn't get off until 4:30 pm. As I'd worked three doubles running before that, I hadn't had time to pack or to get my house in order. Last minute, my mom told me she was seriously concerned about keeping our boys for that long, and, would we mind horribly finding someone to keep them Tuesday through Friday?

So, already stressed, I get off work to find that Steven had been out playing frisbee golf with his little brother. I was near panic. And, then, his family decided to go out to eat, as a pre-vacation fun. So, naturally, we went. I was exhausted, and begged off for just a little while to take a nap...

Steven couldn't wake me up. So, he packed us, and I woke up the next morning at 4. We were supposed to be at his parents' house, thirty minutes away, at 5. I threw some last minute things into our bag:

("Babe, did you pack my blow-dryer?"

"No...I'm sure they have one in the room."

"Well, pass it here."

"Why? I know they'll have one."

"Babe. I'm taking MY blow-dryer."

"But, that's silly."

"I'm taking my blow-dryer."

"You're SUCH a girl..." )

We finalized a few things with the dogs, and I bid them goodbye,and we made it out the door at 4:50.

Despite them prepping the cars not two days before--there was a faint battery light on. Steven started to worry, as we'd planned on taking two cars one had already crapped out and they'd picked up a rental...then, on flickered the transmission light. I asked him if we'd still take it. (If you're Jewish, please don't take offense....)

"Baby, we'll be lucky to make it to Mom and Dad's house...like, we're like oil in the lamp right now. I've driven my other car like this, and I didn't make it half this far.."

"Oil in the lamp?"

"Yeah. You know. Like Hanukkah...had enough oil for a night, it burned for eight?...Well," and he directed his attention to the car, "Burn on, honey." We made it, only just. It was 5:35.

 We clambered all five of us into a Ford Flex, luggage included. To prevent possible conflict, lol, his mom dubbed it the "Peace Train."

 

A long car ride later, we arrived. Now, Steven has holes in his ears. He absolutely, positively, CANNOT get water in them. We were out, playing in the ocean, only waist deep, when we looked back and saw a HUGE wave coming towards us. Now, I'm a bit scared of water, and I immediately looked to him.

His expression was not comforting. In a heartbeat, he grabbed me and held me up against him. "Hold on to me," he commanded. I didn't hesitate. The wave reached up and grabbed us, smacking us in the side of the head and knocking us both over. He got his footing first and dragged me to my feet. But, the damage was done. Water in the ears.

Bless his heart, he's been laying on his side, trying to drain it since then. And, from how he's acting, it's more than just regular ol' painful.

Then, for some reason unexplained, I broke out in hives. It wasn't as bad as it usually is, when I have this reaction, but being that I had two Zyrtec in me already as a preventative, it shouldn't have happened at all...

Determined not to let that ruin my fun, I splashed about for a bit more in the lazy river, before Steven realized I was having a reaction and that it wasn't getting any better, for sure.

He made me get out...

And I slept, utterly spent, for three hours.

When I woke up, I called my mom, to check on the dogs. (On Steven's phone, mine's MIA for the moment. So, if I don't answer...)...she's been in my house for four hours, cleaning away.Now, she has what's left of my laundry at her house and is doing it.

All that to say, it's been eventful. But, we've made it. And, we're DETERMINED to enjoy this vacation, lol...so...wish us luck!! I'll see you guys in a week!!

--Grace. :)

Baby Steps Are Still Steps

 A long, long time ago, when I was a little, very little girl, my mom married my first step-dad. We'll call him J, for now, I think.

I loved him to the ends of the world and back, trashing my relationship with my real dad, who didn't quite fit into the 'cool' category, in the process. I had a step-sister, but he didn't really have much to do with her. He hung my moon, and, come to think of it, surely he'd named all the stars, too.



He could be soooo fun, riding go-carts with his hat turned backwards, yelling at the "competition" that they were running with the big dogs now, and then grinning at me in the passenger's seat. I was only 2 when he came into my life. He taught me karate, and how to fish(though it's been so long I hardly remember any of it.) He played cards with me.

But, over time, he changed. He lost some of the luster he had for both my mother and I. Gradually, I came to an understanding of the rules with him. You had to really be something to earn his praise. He wouldn't watch me run unless I could get my mile time down under seven minutes. If I didn't place, my competitions weren't worth coming to. He quit playing games with me. I learned to ask about his day, but never tell about my own. If he thought you were lying to him, go ahead and "confess", because, evidence aside, he was the right one.

And, yet...I loved him.

So, when my mother and I came home from a mother-daughter trip to find signed divorce papers on the bathroom sink and an empty house, I was heart-broken. I begged him to stay, and he told me he'd stayed for as long as he could, and it wasn't worth it to him anymore. I wasn't worth it.

My thirteen year old self was devastated. Three days after the divorce was final, he was remarried. A lot of baggage later, my mom completely cut ties for both of us. I wasn't allowed to see him. When I got the news, I became utterly inconsolable. Nothing would placate me. I threw things, I had screamed, I raked my nails over my face. I had to be held down. It was an ugly, dark time for my mother, but especially so for me.



Fast-forward. It's been a little over eight years. Mom's remarried to a man who treats her right. I still struggle with some of the things he said to me, and with the way he left. I've done my best to forget.

But...Mom texted me yesterday. She'd run into him at the bank. Apparently, J had had quite a lot to say. He was sorry, his biggest regret was me. He wanted to see me. I was at work when I got the text. My heart leapt in my throat, as quickly as my stomach dropped to my toes. I was scared, nervous, excited, and ready to cry all at once. My first instinct was to call him, to go for it.

BUT. Instead, I picked up the phone and I called Steven. I told him--the man who knows me, inside and out, who knows so much about J and all I went through--about the text from my mother, and about J's decision to try and make amends. And, then, I took a bitty baby step in our DD relationship.

I told him that I knew he cared for me, and that whether or not I went to meet J was in his hands. I knew it could be potentially an emotionally dangerous situation for me. I forgave J a long, long time ago...but there's so much water under that bridge...I'm scared to even try and swim it. And, certainly, I can't swim it alone.

Steven's not just thrilled with the situation, but he understands how much it means to me to try this, even though I'm scared. He hurt me before, and I've still not recovered totally...I don't want to ever face that kind of hurt again. But...I don't know that I would forgive myself for not giving it a shot.

So, I said it was up to Steven(yay, for baby steps in submission!!), and he(maybe a bit reluctantly) said yes! So, I made the call today. J sounded excited to hear from me...

He's going to call me back next week to set up lunch or something...

And, I guess, we'll go from there.

One thing's for sure--I'll definitely be leaning on Steven to help me walk through this interesting little twist. :)

Ai Has A Wonder...

  So, I'm laying here in bed, waiting on Steven to come home--he's an hour away, working on his car; I had the option of going up there, after I got off work, but opted to come home and tend to our pups instead. This post will be a little different. I'm not, nor have I been, really, in any "trouble." This is more of a mulling outlet tonight..

Maintenance. 

It's been the topic of several posts, usually painted in a rather negative light. I think that's because it's frustrating to me that it works for me.

I've read several places about people doing it in certain situations: like when one person or the other comes back from being on a trip or something. I've read about weeklys, and bi-weeklys. Some people only do it on an "As-Needed" basis; though, that kind of confuses me...it sounds more like punishment than "maintenance" that way. 

And, I've always thought to myself, (despite the fact that most of them stand by their maintenance session) "Aw. Poor dears. I'd HATE that." But, I was secretly kind of curious about it. In the same way that I was secretly kind of curious about DD before we started it. 

Then, one day, out of the blue, Steven commented on maintenance. He thought it would be helpful. HUGE backfire, since he said he would, and then didn't. 

As usual, Fast forward. I'd been acting a total brat. Tempers lost, shoes thrown, angry words and snippy tones.  In another out-of-the-blue moment, he said it was high time we gave maintenance a try. 

And we did, every few days; this went on for maybe a week. And my behavior improved. I felt steadied, comfortable, and zero inclination to push.

It faded out. 

Much later, the attitude got bad again. Anybody who reads this knows we've been in something of an Attitude slump. I.E., I've been stressed and we've both been feeling it. 

He started daily maintenance. It lasted about three days.

It's back on track. He says we'll give it the week, and decide how to adjust from there. It's a lot. And, there are times I almost hope he forgets it. 

I feel uncomfortable with the knowledge that it steadies me, and I feel so much less stressed and so much more supported, "getting spanked for nothing." 

Ugh. So confusing. 

Thoughts? Opinions? Anyone else here do maintenance regularly? What's your system? Does it help? 

An Exercise In Communication

So, I don't know if you guys know this or not, but I work. A LOT. Like, usually 70+ hours a week, not including when I'm at school, and/or volunteer working. Knowing this, and knowing my penchant for overworking, Steven and I decided we would both choose the same day to knock out of our availability, so we could be off together at least once a week.

We chose Thursdays.

I look forward to these days with a fervent excitement, to say the least, because, literally, other than that time, I work. Tuesday night, however, we were sitting on the couch, watching Breakout Kings, when his phone rang. I didn't pause the show, but he went and answered it.

It was his dad. Wanting to go pick up a car.

When?

You guessed it.

Thursday afternoon. Steven agreed.


I was livid and, really, quite hurt.I felt that his willingness to change our plans so quickly, when that would be my only chance to see him showed a lack of priority being placed on us and our relationship.

And, this week became a perfect example of why communication, in a calm, rational way, is so important.

What I SHOULD have said: "Babe, I'd really rather you not go. It hurts my feelings, and makes me feel that our relationship isn't important; I know that's not how you really feel, but because I don't have another chance to really do anything with you, it's important to me to spend time together. We had plans to go swimming or disk golf, and I'd really like for you to try and keep those. I was really looking forward to it."

What I ACTUALLY said: "This isn't fair! We had PLANS! I don't CARE what his schedule is, he needs to find someone else to help! Your dad is an arrogant, selfish BASTARD!" He tried to hold me, to calm me down. I told him some really unfair, untrue, horrible things about how I felt when he touched me.

I was spanked to tears, but not to remorse.

The next day, I was bitter, angry. Every single thing I said to him was tinged with resentment and scorn.

I was spanked again.

I assured him that he could spank me to Hell and back, and it wouldn't change anything.

I was spanked again.

Through all of this, it was not until after he'd gone, when he had really "bailed" that there was any resolution. I told him, in tears, that I was sorry for being hateful, but I didn't want to invalidate the things that I'd said, or the feelings behind them. I wanted him to know that it was hard and painful, and that I'd felt quite neglected by having our date disrupted by car.

And, ya know what?

He listened.

Huh. Communication.

In a rational way.

Who knew that could work?

Merry Birthday to Steven!

This won't be a long post, for sure, as I plan on spending every last drop of Steven's birthday with him--but, for the moment, we drove separately to his big birthday shindig at the park, and he's still on his way home.

So, taking this QUICK moment to say how much I love him, and how thankful I am that he was born today...only, it wasn't today, it was 21 years ago!

We spent the whole day together, sun up to sun down, out in the park with his family and our close friends. We played volleyball, frisbee(a little), and swam in the lake. I watched the guys play corn hole, and we opened gifts. Quite a few of our deaf friends came, and it was nice to mingle, all of us together.

CAN I just say, by the way, before we went, we stopped by a small restaurant for breakfast. The servers there knew Steven from way back, and said he could have a free desert, being that it was his birthday and all. We weren't going to have time to eat it, so they offered to let us take it with us.

Instead, when we went up to the cash register to pay, he pointed to a little old couple that had been sitting in the table next to us.

"It's my birthday, and I've been told I get a free desert. If it's at all possible," he told the woman at the register, "I'd like to give it to the couple sitting there."

Yep, guys and gals...

I've found a good man.

Happy 21st Birthday to the absolute love of my life and best friend: Steven!! :)



(I kind of had to! :P)

It's A Weeping Wednesday

Today, we said goodbye to our dear little kitten, Amos. He was young, but simply the best cat we ever could have had. He took showers with us, and slept every night curled up between us on the pillow. He sat on my shoulder and watched as I washed dishes. He chased our cars when we left.

Amos adored the boys, and he loved to be curled up against Blue-dog or Diesel. Often, when Diesel would wag a greeting, he would latch onto that moving tail and hold tight, his fur a puff.

This morning, around five am, Steven woke up and found Amos dead on the pillow between us. We aren't sure what happened to him. I wish I knew.

Steven buried him this morning, and my dad gave us a little slab to mark his grave. I don't know why he died, and, again, I wish I did. I wish he hadn't. 

But, one thing's for sure.

It's made this day a weeping Wednesday.

Daily Maintenance...Are You KIDDING Me...??

So...it's been kind of a rough couple of weeks. I know I keep saying I'm going on a "no-spanking" streak---but, what it's REALLY been has been a spanking streak. Not nearly as much fun, I'm afraid. There's been so much going on! My family is talking about buying the house we're living in, really, right out from under us...

I've worked a ton, and we're still broke.

Not helping.

The house is trashed, because I haven't had time to keep it up, and I'm terrified said family will show up and for real kick us out. (They look for excuses...and the dogs getting into the trash--a seemingly daily affair--would definitely do the trick).

We've both been sick, off and on.

Again, not helpful.

And, to top it off, it's been finals week. I've felt a little like this:


I don't do stress well. I really don't. I spazz and snap and grind my teeth and snarl at everything that moves---including Steven.

He's been more than patient, really. He's been super careful with me, he's taken me on long drives, he's been extra affectionate, and way more tolerant than usual.

And he feels like that's been a mistake. He's given me a million spankings, it's felt like, but they've all been short, and, to be honest, nothing like what they would have been had the circumstances been different.

However, today, I was extra grumpy-bear. I came home from one job to chocolate syrup smeared into the carpet, with just enough time to realize I couldn't work the carpet cleaner, before I was off to the second job. I called him, livid at everything, and, really, was perfectly atrocious.

I mentioned (because, see above--BROKE) picking up a few extra shifts this week. My notion was quickly vetoed. "I'd rather have less money, and you be happy. Working that much makes you tired, and wears on you emotionally, mentally, and physically, and I just won't have it."

I argued. I quipped. I griped. I told him if we starved, it was probably going to be all his fault.

He didn't budge.

I picked up the shifts anyway, figuring there wouldn't be anything he could do about it, once the deed was done; besides--he'd come around and realize it was for the better, after it was done.

I'm  not totally sure how the conversation tonight is going to go on that topic. Obviously, he's not thrilled, but "I'm not in as much trouble as I could be"...which I think means he realizes that, while unpleasant, certainly, my picking up shifts was necessary.

At any rate. Due to the copious amounts of attitude...

And the blatant disobedience..

And the smart-alec tone and words that have become a part of everyday life..

Steven has imposed, until stated otherwise, a pretty hefty maintenance session--

That happens daily.

I'm dreading it. I started to argue, but I can't deny I need the settling. I don't know that I would have chosen to have it daily...but, that's his call to make.

I asked him if he was sure...

"We need this. It'll keep your attitude in check; I've let it go unchecked too long, and it's spiraling out of control. This is a temporary measure, but, until I feel comfortable letting up again, yes, it's going to happen. I love you."

So. That's that, I guess.