A Happy :)

Today is a good day. A very good day.

Today I can get some housework done, we have heat, the dogs are playing nicely with one another, and when my husband gets home, we can finally spend some quality time together.

This week has definitely been one of the harder ones since before we got married. I have been exhausted--mentally and physically drained, falling into bed each morning after work, and waking just early enough to get a quick shower in before I went back to work.

My patients have been difficult--either dying or violent. This week, I was doubled over by being hit in the stomach with a breathing machine, I was brutally pinched(like, bruises kind) by a sizable male patient who then assured me the only reason I wasn't already dead is because he couldn't think of  bridge big enough to bury me under, and that he wanted to shove a knife down my throat, just to see what I'd look like, bleeding out. I had a different patient who was placed on Comfort Care--always an emotional experience for me. It's so hard to watch a family grieve a death--especially an impending, not even happened yet--kind of death.

We found out that very, very close friend was in the hospital herself.

The heat man called and asked if he could wait to fix our heat, since it was cold outside.

I'm going to leave that one alone, acutally... :P

All, that to say, I've just been utterly drained.

But, today is a good day. A great day!! Today--I'm off. Steven will be home soon. And, I want to cuddle. :)

I'm looking so forward to seeing my man!!

A Rambling, Slightly Frazzled Look At The New Year So Far...

  With the start of this new year, there has come quite a bit of stress--and, I'm trying to remember--quite a bit of opportunity for improvement, advancement, and growth.

Steven was denied for his financial aid. He can't go to school until the summer, when we can pay for it outright. The downside? This delays our move and adds another thing we need to save for. The upside? We have more time to save, and we have another chance to strengthen our relationship and marriage through pushing through a difficult sort of time.

Our dogs took sizable chunks out of one another. Downside? Uhm, they tore each other up. And, I don't feel as though I can trust them alone. The upside? They finally have a date set to get fixed, something that had kind of fallen to the wayside, in light of their easy going temperaments.

Steven got a promotion. All upside there. A raise, and a move up into a preferable position. :)

School starts back on Tuesday. This is a plus, because I'm finally moving foward, and I can stop working myself into the ground--which is what I do when I don't have school. It's a down, because...geez, I don't want to go back to school.

And the list just keeps going on. I'm feeling like I don't have a lot of control over my life right now, and, unfortunately...it's an easy thing to guess how I respond to the stress...I spiral, spin out. My temper frays, my housework goes uncompleted(largely, in this case, because our heat has been out for nearly two weeks, and they can't come to fix it until Wednesday...it's just been too dang cold to work around the house this past little bit. But....WEDNESDAY!! Woot, woot!! T minus two days!). I feel the need to work more and more and more, and I lose sight of my relationships. Steven has finally started yanking me back down to earth, and I'm grateful for it. Even if it means my hand cramps from writing lines(seriously. one of my LEAST favorite things to do! Especially since he doesn't do the whole, short "I will stop...blah blah blah" kind of line. Ooooh, no. His is all, "I understand that my attitude has had detrimental effects on myself, my husband, and our relationship. It is within my ability to change my attitude, and I will do so immediately.") ((Makes me shudder just remembering how long THAT took)), and I'm super sore when I sit, also. He just goes to being super strict about everything. There's no leeway, no wiggle room, no leniency, no easing off, or reducing punishments...it's just been no fun at all.

I still feel a little out of control, but...at the same time, I'm comforted to know at least ONE of us is in control and calm about everything.

So...

Yeah.


On that note, hoping everyone else is having a good start to the new year....it's nearly time for bed for me!!

Utter Panic

I know this is going to seem ridiculous, something crazy to be so upset about that I feel the need to "get it off my chest"...but, I don't remember the last time my heart was squeezed so tightly in my throat, or panic sat so deeply in my belly.

I was on the phone with Steven this afternoon as I pulled into our driveway. He was at work, and I was happily chattering away on his lunch break. I opened our door and, as always, went straight to let the dogs out. All three bounded past, and I never even looked in the room; instead, I followed them to the front door and swung it open. When they stepped out into the better light, I noticed a sort of sticky looking residue on Kiesar, my Doberman, and Diesel, Steven's Boxer. I squinted.

"Steven, I think the dogs peed and laid in it or something," I groused, moving back to check their room to see the extent of the damage. When I slid open their door again and stepped inside, I nearly vomited. Blood was sprayed all up the four white walls, staining thick ropes and splatters and droplets crimson. It soaked their sleepy-time blanket, and great red drops of it covered the floor. "Oh, my...oh, oh, oh..." I know Steven must have been frustrated, listening to my voice rise in panic, and me, hardly able to enunciate what I was seeing. When I finally stammered it out to him, I ran back to the front yard, just in time to see Ki limping up the steps and blood dripping down the white patch on Diesel's chest.

I don't know what set them off. I've never before even seen these two buddies shoot each other a dirty look...and here they are...both laying beside me, licking deep puncture wounds all over each others' bodies--bites that they caused. There's a certain hesitancy there, on both parts, though more on Ki's than Diesel's, but they seem to be improving. Still, it terrifies me to see the chunk torn out of my Dobie's ear and the huge punctures all over their heads, faces, ears, chests, legs....

I feel so stunned and scared and sickened.

And, I still can't get the blood off the walls.