I'm Never Gonna Leave This Bed

I have a problem.(You know, admitting it is the first step, or so I've heard...).


I'm a runner. In more ways than one; for the purpose of this post, I'm talking about the emotional kind. If things get rough, I'm inclined to bolt. I'm not fond of hurting, and if I can avoid it, I will. That means, I assume most people are like that. Steven has proven himself time and time again, and yet, my first response is always to head for the door. Over the past week or so, I've been throwing around the "I'm moving out" threat left and right. I've told him we've lost our spark--that we were just in the habit, the rut, of being together. That we didn't have passion for each other or anything else. Our days blended together in a blur of sameness. 

We worked, we saved, we ate a quiet dinner watching Bones, we went to bed. Outside of the nightly cuddle, there was little else going on for us. We were in a rut. The more I felt this, the harder I pushed him to be invested, to respond a certain way to..well, really everything. The more I pushed, the farther away he seemed. The more frustrated. Finally, in a two day long meltdown, most of those feelings came to the surface; and, for the first time in a good while, we actually shared. Not just talked, but openly communicated.  I told him I missed the long drives to just see how fast the car would go, and the trips to little hole in the wall places in the dark to wrestle around and tease. I missed the casual joking and ribbing that kept us both on our toes. He said he missed it, too, but I couldn't force anything. It was either there or not, basically. I felt so depressed, like he was saying he was giving up on us. Fortunately,we didn't end there.

Instead, we decided we were going to make a point to "date" again. Wednesday night, a friend of mine told me about a really good deal she'd gotten: she and her husband were able to go to Chattanooga for a night, get two tickets the aquarium, and two to the IMAX. I called Steven--it was around 11 pm...when I arrived home not long after, he had several packages to show me.

The next day, it was a phones off, just us, adventure to Chattanooga. We visited the aquarium(he had to practically drag me away from the otters--totally my fave!!). He was so affectionate, so right there. The IMAX was depressing--Japanese steakhouse after helped me feel a bit better...but, even more than that...

KRISPY KREME! Heck yes. :) We got a dozen, and we took it back to the hotel. After that, it was an easy afternoon of background TV and cuddles and hot baths and massages and chatting and...general fun, ya know. :P Overall, it was a wonderful, reconnecting, perfect day. I went in to work this morning in the most rested, relaxed mood I've been in, in a long time.

And, I know it can be a little corny to compare to songs and stuff, BUT. This song really, really feels like him to me. He's my rock and my love. He stays and reminds me of why I do.

So you say go, it isn't workin',
And I say, no, it isn't perfect;
So I stay instead,
I'm never going to leave this bed. 


It's not perfect, but it IS working.

So I'll stay instead. :)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8TpuRkGDh8o&feature=channel&list=UL

(Hint: You wanna check that out.)

Gimme Time

I was on such a good streak!! Other than maintenance, I'd been on a pretty even keel. And by that, I mean....

Ahem, this needs a drum roll, thank you...

A NO SPANKING STREAK.

I know, I know. Sounds impossible(at least, does to me, lol), but I was managing it. Granted it could have been a lack of energy to be argumentative or anything of the sort...and Steven was being so helpful, so supportive! So, I guess I thought I was well and truly in the clear.

And, then, Kypr got bored.That's all that I can think. Because I swear, he switched from the angel chilling on my shoulder, to the devil hovering about my ear.

Steven and I got into a rip-snorter of a fight. I'm not going to go completely contrite here and say that I didn't have valid points. However, I'm also going to HAVE to acknowledge that so did he. And he didn't deserve my throwing things, screaming, cussing temper tantrum.

I did deserve the following spanking. (Lord, you know I hate admitting that...ew.) 


He asked me at one point why I wasn't listening to him. Irritated, I answered that I was!

Well, you're not obeying me, then!


Of course not, I responded primly. There's a difference between hearing you and not liking what you're saying. 


In fact, you're doing just the opposite of everything that I say! It's like you're TRYING! 


Don't be ridiculous, I'm not trying to do just the opposite. It's just that the opposite of what you're saying sounds the most appealing. Sorry 'bout that.


And, just like that, we introduced a new implement into his spanking armory: a plastic bath brush. Let me forewarn you, lest you've so far managed to escape that particular item:


It stings like a son of a gun, and weighs a ton, so that you not only are absolutely lit on fire, you feel like you're being bludgeoned to death, too!

So, all that to say...I'm ready to hit that no spanking streak stride again!!

Sharing

I told.

Steven didn't OVERLY care, but he would have preferred that I told him that I was going to tell before I...well..you know...*told*.

But, truthfully, I didn't expect to tell myself.

It's just that there is this guy that I work with..let's call him...eh...V, I think.

Anywho, V is married, but I've not heard a good story one come from him. When he first started, he was separated, not even living together. But, recently, they were trying again. He'd moved back home, and, even though he felt the situation looked hopeless, was actively trying to make things work out.

The problem? His woman, she can be M, is feminist, deceptive, and undermining. She has two small children, and actively encourages them to go against what he's told them to do or not to do. She left a note in with his sandwich declaring that she was headed out of town. She texted him while she was gone, saying she was going to bed, and then boasted proudly to their friends about how she'd lied to him and he'd bought it.

He's convinced she out sneaking around, but, if he so much as asks her where she's going, he's "being controlling" and doesn't "need to know my every moment". As I listened to him last night, I felt such a surge of pity.

Make no mistake, I've never cheated on Steven or even given him reason to doubt me--but, I DO remember the days, I'm ashamed to say, of being proud that I'd pulled one over on him. I remember when everything was more than a battle, it was war. The cold silences that followed, the shattered feelings and violent anger. And, I heard in V's voice that same story.

Really, they both believe their marriage is as good as over. But, I felt that I had to share that there was a better way, if they were willing to give it a shot.

And, I told him about DD--or, I feel that, especially in this case, it should be Stormy's name for it--Domestic Harmony.

He wasn't overly willing, though he didn't completely trash the idea. His only concern was her abuse cry; and, honestly, if she's this far away from him emotionally, and, since she has  history of encouraging people to lie to the police and accuse their husbands of abuse anyway--I don't blame him. But, I so think DD would help them..ugh.

Glad Steven was understanding about me sharing our little story, dirty laundry and all...

I Think I See Sunlight!!

Nope! I've not been grounded!...

Nor have I died..

Or even fallen right off the face of the Earth...

I was in a hole. A hole of work and work and house keeping and trying to find a new job and classes to take and money to pay for it all and family issues. 

A hole that my cousin dug a few feet deeper with her problems that I, despite Steven's best advice, just can't seem to steer clear of.

...Let me tell you guys...that's a long story, but the quick gist? T has lived with me off and on for most of our lives. She's more sister than cousin, but her propensities lead her to the biggest possible trouble around. Always. And, me? Even though I know I can't always fix her, I always feel quite obligated to try. Well, she wanted something to "love her unconditionally". I suggested a fish. (The last time she got a dog...well, it didn't go so well. In fact, the Humane Society was called. Yet another long story). Instead, she got pregnant. The daddy has bailed, and she doesn't have money for gas to get to work, much less to buy things for baby. 

Now, don't know how many of you know--but my dream has always been kids. Lots and lots of them. So, that to say, I love children. I know T's mom, who she lives with again, has a serious history of neglect and drug abuse. As much as I love her, I don't feel T has the capacity right now to have a child. In fact, she wants to start school in August, have a C-section over the Thanksgiving holiday, and be back to school by the end of the break. I agreed to watch the baby at least one day a week. Steven says one day only. But, T doesn't have anything for the baby, so we cut a deal: I could buy anything I wanted for C(the baby, it's a boy), IF it doesn't leave my house. 

So, that whole situation has been occupying my time and thoughts. 

Things have been going great with J, so I've been with him a fair bit....

Until Grams started having a worse time with her Alzheimer's. Mom just can't do it herself, so we keep Grammy some, also. And, between that and work(like 70+ hours sometimes), I just haven't had time or energy to blog. 

But, Steven got tired of spanking me for attitude and freak outs(for some reason that I'm not going to try to work with here, maintenance and spanking for stress always chills me right out), so he put a limit on how many hours I could work, and regulates how often we have what family member.

So...I think...I THINK...that I see sunlight! 

And, boy, does it feel good. :)