Rebellion, Rear Your Head

So, I don't know where it's coming from...

And I don't know where it started...

But, it needs to go.



I've read a million times that fifth "D" is for distance. And, normally, I'm not really a distance girl. If I'm not in his lap, I'd better be in the same room at least. Just physical presence won't cut it, either. I need the communication and comfort and kisses and deep conversations. I both need to tell him I love him and to be told he loves me, at the very least, on a daily basis.

But, every now and then...the Antsy feeling sneaks in. I started feeling irritable, too-work focused, too-house focused, and I allow furthering our relationship to fall to the way-side. Instead of tuning in when we're having conversations, I breathe. In, out, in, out, in, out...it becomes my own little mantra inside my head, keeping me level. Normally, Steven catches on. He'll ask me my thoughts, and God help if I say I'm breathing. Then, he knows that I've shut down. And, that earns a spanking every single time.

This time, though, he's a little behind the game. And, whereas a couple posts ago, talking to him about why I was getting spanked and having him listen and dismiss it was a really huge deal--well, I do actually have to not deserve the spanking for that to work. Otherwise, I get the "I won" sense, and then I want to listen to him even less!

Take last night for example. I was having a 'cleaning binge'. At first, it wasn't too bad, but I could easily feel myself going there. So, I casually suggested(yeah, right...more like demanded a million times) that he go on to bed, I'd be there in a few minutes.

He did NOT approve, and he did NOT go right off. Instead, I got the warning, "If you say that to me one more time, you're done. Understand me?" I agreed...and then retorted,

"Yeah, that's fine. I understand. See what happens when I try to look out for you. I know you're tired, and you'd feel much better if you'd just do that-thing-that-I-can't-say." Really??? He told me to turn off the water. I ignored his "request". Rather than push the issue, he just got up, gave me a kiss(on the cheek, because I didn't turn my head very willingly), told me I had twenty minutes to finish up, but I needed to be in bed by 1 am.



Out of sheer stubbornness, I waited until 1:02. He didn't notice. In fact, he thanked me for going in there at one. Which made me feel guilty, which made me even angrier. So, I went to the bathroom and spent an extra long time taking out my contacts.

When he asked why I was gone so long, I told him it was none of his business. Naturally, he disagreed. He continued asking, over and over. Finally, I just ignored him. He yanked himself up out of bed, flipped on the lights and sent the dogs from the room. (Blue doesn't take it well when I get spanked). Obligingly, I bent over on command.

But, while in that position, I began to defend myself. I told him he was failing to respect my privacy, that I "Don't ask you how it feels to take a dump, so don't ask me what *I* do in the bathroom, whether it's taking out my contacts or peeing."  And other such arguments...

And, they worked! He let me up and laid back down. We didn't touch as we fell asleep. Cue even more frustration, even more distance.

When we woke up this morning, I was slightly belligerent when I did speak and quiet more often that not. He left.



I go to work in a few hours. I probably won't see him.

And, for right now...

That's just fine.







He'll be lucky if he doesn't come home to another dog....or a ferret.