My Crusades: A Miserable Life Choice

I almost didn't survive.

Ok...so that's a little bit of an exaggeration. But, certainly it was one of the worst, and most deserved, spankings I've ever received.

Now, I won't say what I was originally being spanked for, because it's one of those issues that Steven and I consider to be very personal and that we have different opinions on, and are still working through. But, suffice it to say, I got a pretty awful spanking the night before last. When he was finished, though, I had all my walls up. We went to bed...and woke up at 4:30 in the morning to start fighting again. Like, I woke up to him spanking me. I didn't handle it well in the slightest. My language went waaaayyy down hill...and, let me tell you, I've never been more fortunate for a man that doesn't fool with mouth soaping!

But, again, even with all these "Unfair Spankings"(not that, in retrospect it was quite as unfair as I believed) posts popping up recently, I "toughed  it out" until he finished, and then slammed those walls right back up. I told him I didn't want his affection, his touch, or his comfort. I just wanted a shower. So, I went in the bathroom and climbed into the shower. I stayed, crying, until the water ran cold. Then, I turned it off and sat down in the floor of it, and just kept on crying.

Finally, after I had completely air-dried, Steven came in. "I think I've given you enough time," he said. "Come to bed. Now." I followed, and we went to sleep(probably 7:30 in the morning), but we didn't touch. Nine o' clock rolls around, and we're getting up to go to our respective jobs. And, it starts again. Verbally, I'm blasting him. Physically, he's scorching my backside.And, I really am not at all sure what got into me. It was hurting dreadfully, and I yanked up, livid.

I turned around. And I slapped him.

His face shot red with anger, and he pointed to the corner. "I think you need to go stand there for a while." His voice was little more than a growl, and you'd THINK I would have realized the depth of my mistake at this point. I didn't.

He ended up putting on Capsician Cream for me to get through work with, and placing a few well-aimed swats to heat it up before I left.

Even still, the entire day was a text battle. I was cruel. I was raised in a family that, when we're fighting, we fight dirty. I accused him of horrible things. I told him our entire situation was something we should just give up on. I told him he never really wanted me anyway, and this was a perfect scapegoat. I told him to quit pretending we were ok.

"Oh, I'm not pretending anything. We are nowhere near ok; I'll let you know when my ears stop ringing." That was the first I felt of a twinge of regret.

Still, more poison from me: "At least my cooks want me. They haven't had their hands off me yet." All in all, I reached a whole new level of atrocious and hurtful.

It kinda reminds me of the Crusades. You can do such horrible things, if you have the "armor" of feeling like you're right and have been wronged. And, I did.

Right before I came home, I asked how the night was going to go. "A lot of spanking, some chatting, some lecturing." Funnily enough, I was almost comforted. The day caught up with  me, and I realized alllll the horrible, hurtful things that I'd said and done.

And, you know. That's pretty much how the night went. Except he sent me to the corner for a while, after a warm-up, and told me I was going to have to answer two questions when I came out. The first: why what I had done was detrimental to our relationship. The second: Why giving up on us wasn't an option.

I came out with an answer to the first. The second, though, I told him WAS an option. We weren't married. We have no children. He could walk out the door any time. And I asked him why it wasn't, if it wasn't.

"Because I love you. I can see myself spending the rest of my life with you. I love the life I have with you. And, I'm not going anywhere." He told me to stop being so afraid of something that I tried to make it that, just to get it over with, basically.

Emotionally, yesterday was trying for both of us. I proved how truly hurtful I could be, and he proved that he was, as always, my rock. He loves me anyway, though I'm so, so ashamed of how I reacted, responded, and behaved. He certainly didn't deserve any of that.

As to the spanking part---I'm honestly just not at all sure when I'll be able to sit comfortably again.

And, for some reason, that's equally reassuring to me.