"Why Can't You Handle It??"

  "Why can't you handle it?? Why do you literally have to be constantly spanked? You get it, and you make it an hour, maybe two, and you're right back where we started!" 

I guess I'm posting because that phrase hasn't stopped banging around in my head, echoing, reverberating off the walls of my skull since Steven said it. It flipped a switch in me faster than any spanking...I'm not sure if it was a good switch or a bad, but I certainly haven't been very feisty, very sassy, very argumentative since. Granted, I haven't really been much of anything. I'm hoping putting it into words I can look at will make it go away, make that phrase leave me alone. Because, for some reason, I can't get past the noise of it.

He's not angry right now. In fact, he's in the kitchen, making me dinner, complete with lemon bars for dessert. It's going to taste lovely, I'm sure.

"Why can't you handle it?"

I'm not angry right now. I'm using Blue-dog as a body pillow and typing up a post. I've got no antsy feelings, I'm not feeling up for a fight or an argument.

"Why can't you handle it?" 

In addition to Grams being diagnosed with Alzheimer's this week, our boxer puppy, Diesel, has gone missing. I've cried every day.


"Why do you literally have to be constantly spanked?" 

I'm ready for this week to be finished. I've been difficult, edgy, weepy, argumentative. I've been obsessive, fixating, desperate to find our beloved dog. After all, that's something I can change, can fix. Grams isn't.

"Why can't you handle it??"


I haven't been a very helpful help-meet at all. He misses Diesel as much, if not more, than I do. It's not fair to him for me to be a brat.

"You make it an hour, maybe two, and then we're right back where we started!" 

I don't feel like a brat, though; I know I've been hard. I've been upset, standing on a knife's edge, where a wrong step to either side is like cliff-diving into a vast openness of emotion. I'd do anything for Grams to not be sick, for Diesel to be home, lying against me, the same as Blue-dog. For us to be our one big happy family.

"Why can't you handle it?"

I've already been spanked once today. It left me surprisingly emotional and needy.

But we had classes to go to, and a dog to find.

"Why do you literally have to be constantly spanked??"

Blue-dog has pined after Diesel, and it's my fault. I let him out, I turned back around to call for Blue. I had my back turned for those vital couple of minutes in which he disappeared.

I know Steven still loves me. Of course he does.

"Why can't you handle it??"

Why can't I handle it?

I don't feel like a brat.

I feel like a burden....

"Why can't you handle it??"