Well, as hell-bent as I was yesterday on NOT getting spanked...since after all, I "couldn't handle it"...
I didn't make it. When he first told me to stand up, when I first realized I was getting a spanking, I started crying. Definitely not my normal reaction, but all I could think about was that he had been right. I couldn't handle it, now, look what I'd done...he was going to have to waste more of his time disciplining me. Wonderful.
Granted, he didn't look at it that way at all. Like I mentioned, the stresses of our lives have been just that...OURS. Not just mine. And, he responds out of that sometimes, too. He's not perfect, either. And, sometimes, it's a little tough for me to realize that. He hadn't meant yesterday's question as "You're a burden, can't you PLEASE grow up and straighten up!", even though, that's how I took it.
So, as the night progressed, I withdrew further and further into myself. I wasn't angry. I wasn't upset. I wasn't anything. I was just quiet. Towards the end of a movie we were watching, he paused it and asked me what was wrong. I just kept repeating, in that dead, monotone, please just stop interacting voice, that I'd like to finish our movie. Finally, he sighed.
"Alright, it's only got ten minutes left. But, afterwards, we're going to the bedroom, and we're going to have a little chat, and we're going to fix this." He pressed play. I cried.
I mean, I think it's pretty obvious how that story ended. I wound up getting quite the blistering for shutting down. He asked me at one point if I understood that shutting down was hurtful. I said no.
"You don't? You don't think it's hurtful to yourself? To me? To our relationship?" More tears, but at least some true understanding that of its detriment. He didn't stop then. He didn't stop FOREVER, I'm convinced. Yet, that spanking was a kind of reset. Afterwards, I was clingy, affectionate. He apologized for hurting my feelings."Grace, you know I'd never mean to do that. I was frustrated, and I'm really sorry." We made more signs to put up about Diesel. We snuggled. We ate lemon bars.
And, then, it was over. Just like that. So, even though I didn't make it...
I'm very glad to be out of that mindset.
Grace, I so understand where you were coming from, so much that it's scary, lol! And I'm so glad that things are better! Hugs! :)
ReplyDeleteI'm catching up after a couple of days, so I'm just now reading about your lost puppy. When both people in a couple are stressed and grieving, it is so hard. I started my nursing career on an 11-7 shift on a pediatric floor. More than once, the quiet halls would have the sound of two people yelling at each other. It was just the stress because their child was sick, and all they could do is wait. I had a cat for 10 years, and when I spent the night laying on the floor next to her trying to get a little liquid in her mouth with a dropper. She had IVs by the vet twice, and we were awaiting blood report. My husband said something to the fact of "I'm so sick of this.." Before he got the words out of his mouth, I splashed my diet coke in his face. I started yelling at him about being selfish, and why was he making things harder by making it about him, and I was the one that had slept on the floor, etc. I was screaming and crying. It shocked him, and it shocked me too. He just held me, and when he finished what he was trying to say, it wasn't selfish like it sounded like it was going to be. It was just stress. I knew I was loosing my cat. This was over a decade before we started DD. I don't know if it would have went different or not. I just mentioned it to say I understand, that it's so normal to be a whole different person when stress hits hard. I hope and pray that you get a call that your little puppy has been found, and that you too will cling together in love, and understand each other's stress. God Bless You Both, Belle L
ReplyDeleteAah, good. I'm glad you are feeling a bit better and hope you are having a much better day today.
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