I'm Never Gonna Leave This Bed

I have a problem.(You know, admitting it is the first step, or so I've heard...).


I'm a runner. In more ways than one; for the purpose of this post, I'm talking about the emotional kind. If things get rough, I'm inclined to bolt. I'm not fond of hurting, and if I can avoid it, I will. That means, I assume most people are like that. Steven has proven himself time and time again, and yet, my first response is always to head for the door. Over the past week or so, I've been throwing around the "I'm moving out" threat left and right. I've told him we've lost our spark--that we were just in the habit, the rut, of being together. That we didn't have passion for each other or anything else. Our days blended together in a blur of sameness. 

We worked, we saved, we ate a quiet dinner watching Bones, we went to bed. Outside of the nightly cuddle, there was little else going on for us. We were in a rut. The more I felt this, the harder I pushed him to be invested, to respond a certain way to..well, really everything. The more I pushed, the farther away he seemed. The more frustrated. Finally, in a two day long meltdown, most of those feelings came to the surface; and, for the first time in a good while, we actually shared. Not just talked, but openly communicated.  I told him I missed the long drives to just see how fast the car would go, and the trips to little hole in the wall places in the dark to wrestle around and tease. I missed the casual joking and ribbing that kept us both on our toes. He said he missed it, too, but I couldn't force anything. It was either there or not, basically. I felt so depressed, like he was saying he was giving up on us. Fortunately,we didn't end there.

Instead, we decided we were going to make a point to "date" again. Wednesday night, a friend of mine told me about a really good deal she'd gotten: she and her husband were able to go to Chattanooga for a night, get two tickets the aquarium, and two to the IMAX. I called Steven--it was around 11 pm...when I arrived home not long after, he had several packages to show me.

The next day, it was a phones off, just us, adventure to Chattanooga. We visited the aquarium(he had to practically drag me away from the otters--totally my fave!!). He was so affectionate, so right there. The IMAX was depressing--Japanese steakhouse after helped me feel a bit better...but, even more than that...

KRISPY KREME! Heck yes. :) We got a dozen, and we took it back to the hotel. After that, it was an easy afternoon of background TV and cuddles and hot baths and massages and chatting and...general fun, ya know. :P Overall, it was a wonderful, reconnecting, perfect day. I went in to work this morning in the most rested, relaxed mood I've been in, in a long time.

And, I know it can be a little corny to compare to songs and stuff, BUT. This song really, really feels like him to me. He's my rock and my love. He stays and reminds me of why I do.

So you say go, it isn't workin',
And I say, no, it isn't perfect;
So I stay instead,
I'm never going to leave this bed. 


It's not perfect, but it IS working.

So I'll stay instead. :)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8TpuRkGDh8o&feature=channel&list=UL

(Hint: You wanna check that out.)

Gimme Time

I was on such a good streak!! Other than maintenance, I'd been on a pretty even keel. And by that, I mean....

Ahem, this needs a drum roll, thank you...

A NO SPANKING STREAK.

I know, I know. Sounds impossible(at least, does to me, lol), but I was managing it. Granted it could have been a lack of energy to be argumentative or anything of the sort...and Steven was being so helpful, so supportive! So, I guess I thought I was well and truly in the clear.

And, then, Kypr got bored.That's all that I can think. Because I swear, he switched from the angel chilling on my shoulder, to the devil hovering about my ear.

Steven and I got into a rip-snorter of a fight. I'm not going to go completely contrite here and say that I didn't have valid points. However, I'm also going to HAVE to acknowledge that so did he. And he didn't deserve my throwing things, screaming, cussing temper tantrum.

I did deserve the following spanking. (Lord, you know I hate admitting that...ew.) 


He asked me at one point why I wasn't listening to him. Irritated, I answered that I was!

Well, you're not obeying me, then!


Of course not, I responded primly. There's a difference between hearing you and not liking what you're saying. 


In fact, you're doing just the opposite of everything that I say! It's like you're TRYING! 


Don't be ridiculous, I'm not trying to do just the opposite. It's just that the opposite of what you're saying sounds the most appealing. Sorry 'bout that.


And, just like that, we introduced a new implement into his spanking armory: a plastic bath brush. Let me forewarn you, lest you've so far managed to escape that particular item:


It stings like a son of a gun, and weighs a ton, so that you not only are absolutely lit on fire, you feel like you're being bludgeoned to death, too!

So, all that to say...I'm ready to hit that no spanking streak stride again!!

Sharing

I told.

Steven didn't OVERLY care, but he would have preferred that I told him that I was going to tell before I...well..you know...*told*.

But, truthfully, I didn't expect to tell myself.

It's just that there is this guy that I work with..let's call him...eh...V, I think.

Anywho, V is married, but I've not heard a good story one come from him. When he first started, he was separated, not even living together. But, recently, they were trying again. He'd moved back home, and, even though he felt the situation looked hopeless, was actively trying to make things work out.

The problem? His woman, she can be M, is feminist, deceptive, and undermining. She has two small children, and actively encourages them to go against what he's told them to do or not to do. She left a note in with his sandwich declaring that she was headed out of town. She texted him while she was gone, saying she was going to bed, and then boasted proudly to their friends about how she'd lied to him and he'd bought it.

He's convinced she out sneaking around, but, if he so much as asks her where she's going, he's "being controlling" and doesn't "need to know my every moment". As I listened to him last night, I felt such a surge of pity.

Make no mistake, I've never cheated on Steven or even given him reason to doubt me--but, I DO remember the days, I'm ashamed to say, of being proud that I'd pulled one over on him. I remember when everything was more than a battle, it was war. The cold silences that followed, the shattered feelings and violent anger. And, I heard in V's voice that same story.

Really, they both believe their marriage is as good as over. But, I felt that I had to share that there was a better way, if they were willing to give it a shot.

And, I told him about DD--or, I feel that, especially in this case, it should be Stormy's name for it--Domestic Harmony.

He wasn't overly willing, though he didn't completely trash the idea. His only concern was her abuse cry; and, honestly, if she's this far away from him emotionally, and, since she has  history of encouraging people to lie to the police and accuse their husbands of abuse anyway--I don't blame him. But, I so think DD would help them..ugh.

Glad Steven was understanding about me sharing our little story, dirty laundry and all...

I Think I See Sunlight!!

Nope! I've not been grounded!...

Nor have I died..

Or even fallen right off the face of the Earth...

I was in a hole. A hole of work and work and house keeping and trying to find a new job and classes to take and money to pay for it all and family issues. 

A hole that my cousin dug a few feet deeper with her problems that I, despite Steven's best advice, just can't seem to steer clear of.

...Let me tell you guys...that's a long story, but the quick gist? T has lived with me off and on for most of our lives. She's more sister than cousin, but her propensities lead her to the biggest possible trouble around. Always. And, me? Even though I know I can't always fix her, I always feel quite obligated to try. Well, she wanted something to "love her unconditionally". I suggested a fish. (The last time she got a dog...well, it didn't go so well. In fact, the Humane Society was called. Yet another long story). Instead, she got pregnant. The daddy has bailed, and she doesn't have money for gas to get to work, much less to buy things for baby. 

Now, don't know how many of you know--but my dream has always been kids. Lots and lots of them. So, that to say, I love children. I know T's mom, who she lives with again, has a serious history of neglect and drug abuse. As much as I love her, I don't feel T has the capacity right now to have a child. In fact, she wants to start school in August, have a C-section over the Thanksgiving holiday, and be back to school by the end of the break. I agreed to watch the baby at least one day a week. Steven says one day only. But, T doesn't have anything for the baby, so we cut a deal: I could buy anything I wanted for C(the baby, it's a boy), IF it doesn't leave my house. 

So, that whole situation has been occupying my time and thoughts. 

Things have been going great with J, so I've been with him a fair bit....

Until Grams started having a worse time with her Alzheimer's. Mom just can't do it herself, so we keep Grammy some, also. And, between that and work(like 70+ hours sometimes), I just haven't had time or energy to blog. 

But, Steven got tired of spanking me for attitude and freak outs(for some reason that I'm not going to try to work with here, maintenance and spanking for stress always chills me right out), so he put a limit on how many hours I could work, and regulates how often we have what family member.

So...I think...I THINK...that I see sunlight! 

And, boy, does it feel good. :) 

It's Official

I've read sooo many blogs who's authors having a no texting and driving rule. For us, it's never really been an issue. I do it, he knows I do it, he does it, though, admittedly, it's more of a rarity for him, and it's never really been a problem.

Until the other night--it was late, dark outside, and we live in the foothills, so all our roads are windy and twisted as a snake. We were on our way home--one of the few times we've driven separately. Normally, he drives and I don't worry about it. In this case, however, he was following me.

So, he saw how I swerved and took over the entire road when I texted. I've never really noticed--and I usually prefer to swerve away from the double yellows...but he definitely had a few things to say on the matter. Not the least of which that now, having seen how texting affects my driving, was that texting while behind the wheel was a definite no-no. Completely off-limits, dire punishment threatening situation...

I made it two days following this new rule:

This time, I managed to send my little Corolla straight off the road and into a nearby yard.

Needless to say, Steven was NOT happy.

I tried to defend it; after all, I was fine. The car was fine. The yard was barely even scuffed. Somehow, my defenses failed to work. Go figure. After all, there are rules and then there are Rules. Like, capital R, endangering your life and others' Rules.

This broke the latter.



This was an unpleasant, his leg holding my legs down(I'm a hopeless wriggler--I consent, but it's way hard for me to hold still on my own), arms stretched out in front of me, wooden spoon horror. It was a steady, constant lecture to underline what he was doing to my backside.

It didn't help that the new rule wasn't the only one I broke.

I smoked.

It's official.

I may never sit again.

And, ya know--he's due home soon...

And with him, comes Maintenance.  

Sigh.

You Want A Piece of This??

There's a little drift that happens sometimes, I find. I go from a loving, wanting to please, trying to be submissive gal to one that wants to fight over every little thing.

I want to "win" every encounter.

I question and challenge everything decision made or action taken.

And THAT takes a toll.

If he has me count during a spanking(thankfully, a rare occurrence), I count as quietly as I can scrape by with.

If he tells me to come to him, I take my time and drag my feet.

The sucky thing is that I can see myself doing it. And, I know it makes us both miserable. And I quietly resolve to fix my inner rebellion....and then, the very next thing out of my mouth is tinged with the same fire.

In the past couple of days, I have been spanked multiple times. I've been grounded. I've written lines.

I've not done anything just openly atrocious...it's all been the attitude. My inner me is just not feeling quiet.

Last night, I was writing lines, one of which commented that if I was feeling unsubmissive, I should be trying to find out the cause and working to get that resolved.

I don't know the cause.

But, Kypr's in hiding....

And, I just feel ready to fight.

Where It Goes From Here

Weellll, I decided to take the advice of a friend:

I called J. My heart felt close to breaking when it rang, and rang, and rang. Finally, a quick, to the point voicemail, in that heart-wrenchingly familiar voice. Since his job is inspecting, there was a snippet in there about that, so, I left him a message.

Uhm. Hey, J. This is Grace. I...uh...I don't need an inspection, but I still would really like to see you. So, if that's still something that maybe you'd be interested in...I miss you...you can give me a call back. I can be reached at (BLANK). Give me a call sometime.....I love you. 

And hung up. Quietly, I laid the phone down on the dresser, went to the couch, called my big Blue-dog to me, and curled up to have myself a good cry. But, the phone rang. I ran to answer, and we had a good thirty minute chat.

We decided to meet this coming Wednesday, and he told me he'd be in touch to pick an exact time and place. I hung up, elated that he called, doubtful he'd call again without prompting(that's just J), and, to my surprise, sad.

I cried the whole morning. I didn't blog about it, because I was, and really, still am, baffled by my response. I've cried, really, most of this week. Poor Steven's probably lost track of the times he's had to answer the "What if he doesn't like me anymore?" question.

But, he called again this morning. We set a concrete time. He gets off at 4--he wants us to meet by 4:30. He seemed eager; proud to tell me that I was in his phone. He was all jokes and "I'm buying" and "Do you still like Roadhouse?".

And, as for me...I'm just confused. I'm excited. I'm scared. I'm sad. I feel like I can't quite get a handle on the flashbacks that bring me joy or the ones that break my heart.

I just don't understand, and I don't know where to go from here, or what I'm expecting.

Yay, JB, for listening to me all week about this and for letting me bounce stuff off her and getting thoughts and opinions. :)

And, yay, Steven, for helping me lay floor(ahem, really, for LAYING floor) and taking such good care of me and our little family. He's in the kitchen, cooking now. He's a good man. :)

So, cross your fingers for me. We'll see where it goes from here.