Where It Goes From Here

Weellll, I decided to take the advice of a friend:

I called J. My heart felt close to breaking when it rang, and rang, and rang. Finally, a quick, to the point voicemail, in that heart-wrenchingly familiar voice. Since his job is inspecting, there was a snippet in there about that, so, I left him a message.

Uhm. Hey, J. This is Grace. I...uh...I don't need an inspection, but I still would really like to see you. So, if that's still something that maybe you'd be interested in...I miss you...you can give me a call back. I can be reached at (BLANK). Give me a call sometime.....I love you. 

And hung up. Quietly, I laid the phone down on the dresser, went to the couch, called my big Blue-dog to me, and curled up to have myself a good cry. But, the phone rang. I ran to answer, and we had a good thirty minute chat.

We decided to meet this coming Wednesday, and he told me he'd be in touch to pick an exact time and place. I hung up, elated that he called, doubtful he'd call again without prompting(that's just J), and, to my surprise, sad.

I cried the whole morning. I didn't blog about it, because I was, and really, still am, baffled by my response. I've cried, really, most of this week. Poor Steven's probably lost track of the times he's had to answer the "What if he doesn't like me anymore?" question.

But, he called again this morning. We set a concrete time. He gets off at 4--he wants us to meet by 4:30. He seemed eager; proud to tell me that I was in his phone. He was all jokes and "I'm buying" and "Do you still like Roadhouse?".

And, as for me...I'm just confused. I'm excited. I'm scared. I'm sad. I feel like I can't quite get a handle on the flashbacks that bring me joy or the ones that break my heart.

I just don't understand, and I don't know where to go from here, or what I'm expecting.

Yay, JB, for listening to me all week about this and for letting me bounce stuff off her and getting thoughts and opinions. :)

And, yay, Steven, for helping me lay floor(ahem, really, for LAYING floor) and taking such good care of me and our little family. He's in the kitchen, cooking now. He's a good man. :)

So, cross your fingers for me. We'll see where it goes from here.