Today

I know I've aleady posted today. I do. I know that, later, I might regret posting again, especially since this won't be a happy-go-lucky-look-how-good-we're-doing post.

I'm not ready to say what brought this all up again for me.

It's not important, it's not pertinent.

Today is a day where my head keeps telling the rest of me that I'm not worth it.


That I've gained weight, that I'm not wanted.

That I'm broken, defective, not good enough.

Today I feel sure that every time in the past Steven's eyes strayed, I surely deserved it.

I was working too much, I was gone all the time; when I was home, even if he had wanted it, I was too tired to be willing to put out.

I goaded for fights, anything to drag my own head out of the strain and monotony of working and coming home and sleeping and getting up to try and clean, but watching my house pile up around me. Watching the puppy having accidents in the house while I was gone or asleep that sat, cold and reeking, waiting on me to pick it up.

I don't care if the house falls through.

Maybe it's better if it does.

Who's to say?

After all, I'm working all the time again. I'm still putting on weight, because, seriously, who has the time for a diet and exercise right now?

I wish I looked how I did when we first got together.

So, what's different now?

Easter Twix bars have been calling my name.

My mom wants me to go to church with her in the morning. I want to. I feel hypocritcal sitting on that chair, wishing for an innocence that was gone a long, long time ago, but I crave it. Hearing the songs that I pray every day are still true for me.

"When Satan tempts me to despair, and tells me of the guilt within, upwards I look and see Him there, who made an end to all my sin."


But, then all the whispers in my own head: I can't even make a regular guy want me, why would sheer Perfection?



I know it's grace.

Today, I hate my name.

I hope Tomorrow is different.

For now?

I'm going to take a shower.