I'm off tomorrow night. I'm going to be with Steven all day long. We're taking his family to see the house...and I can make it through one more night.
Who are you kidding? 140 hours is just too damn much. You're gonna cry.
Nope, gonna make it. That little choo-choo train on Dumbo? "I think I can, I think I can...I knew I could, I knew I could..."? Yeah, that's me. I got this.
A flash of black jacket next to the nurse station counter as I came out of the room and a wash of relief. Steven came to work. He does that periodically--brings me lunch or a book if I have a lunch break at all.
"Hey, baby," a quick grin and a kiss. I glanced over at my scowling RN. But, hey, it's 2 am, and no one's awake to see a peck anyway.
"Did you talk to your family about going to see the house tomorrow? What time they wanted to go?"
"Oh, yeah--I just went ahead and took them."
Now I know that the wash of emotion was completely an over-reaction. The hurt feelings, the rug yanked out from under my feet feeling was more about my period starting and sheer exhaustion than it was that he went ahead and took them without me. But, then?
"You did what?" My heart stopped beating for a second, and my throat swelled, right there at work. "Without me?" Over the next twenty minutes(mostly via text, since obviously he couldn't stand there at the nurse's station and have it out with me), I accused him of making me the pack-mule for this house: the person doing all the legwork, while someone else gets to see the benefits. I even sent the horrible "F--- you, not happening" text when he finally had enough and warned me that a spanking was coming in the morning when I got home.
Fifteen minutes after that, I was awash with remorse. The nurse who'd seen my quiet tears asked me if I even loved him--how could that be in question because of one mild tiff? No matter my upset? I assured her that I did; I spent the next while regaling her with more reasons that I did love him than I'm sure she wanted to hear...and by the time that was said and done, I felt horrible.
Unfortunately, once I arrived home(And we slept for our whole day off together--until we woke up and he informed me he was giving our fridge that comes with the house away; he'd already discussed this with his mother, and his aunt needed one...), I was upset again. We'd wasted our whole day, and he was giving away things "I" was working for, without even the benefit of a by-your-leave.
Admittedly, he's not been sitting on his hands. He's done all the house legwork. All the inspections, all the appraisals, the realtor and mortgage company back and forths...but, sitting at work, cramping and crying, I didn't care about all that. So when we finally did "talk"...I did more screaming than talking.
And, now, I'm doing more sitting than standing.
At one point, I was ballsy enough to demand, "Do you really have to keep DOING that?"
A pause. "Doing what?"
"Hitting me! Right there! I hate that!"
"Here?" he asked, unfazed, as he swatted down on that especially tender spot again.
"Yes, there! Stop it!"
"No, I don't think so. This is where you sit, and I think you'll need a reminder that this attitude is really over. I'm not tolerating it anymore. I'm tired of spanking you just enough to kind of mask the behavior. This time, it's going to be gone for good. So, yes, I really do have to 'keep doing this.'" Unruffled, no irritation, no argumentative comeback that can be made to such unflappable response. So, I did what I haven't done in a long, long time.
"Ok," a definite sniffle. A sigh, and releasing of all the tense muscles. I cried. No lying there. But, I did manage to submit totally--and that's the first in a long time. Today, I'm feeling mellow and calm, despite going back to work tonight. Despite being so, so desparately sore.
Today, I'm the "I knew I could" engine---with Steven behind me, pushing me up this hill.
Of course you can, you are WOMAN, watch us roar.
ReplyDeleteLol, sometimes I feel like it's watch me scream instead. :) Thanks for the reminder it's the other way 'round. :) We close May 10th, so the worst of it should be over by then.
ReplyDeleteGrace, congratulations on your new home. I hope the other days go smoother for you. I'm a RN and I know the type you are talking about. I never could understand someone going to school to be a nurse and not want to have hands on care of their patients. I also valued the experiences of the LPNs that I worked with. Some had much more experience because they were much older and had worked longer. I was offered supervisory positions many times in the 23 years I worked at my last job. I never wanted to be a "going to meetings and write other nurses evaluations" kind of a nurse. I quit work 2 years ago, and all of us nurses that worked together go out and get together every now and then. Just Friday, me and another RN went to the hospital to be with a friend (LPN) who had to have a mastectomy. When we saw that all was ok in recovery, we went to eat and visit about our families. Only a few LPNs that I worked with are still working. Many of us have retired for various reasons. I wish all nurses could work together in a way that they can enjoy each other's company even outside the workplace and be true friends who love and support each other and pray for one another. It's hard when people put themselves on a pedistal, and believe themselves more important. We all made each other know how much we valued each other (housekeepers, CNNs, Cooks, and Nurses). We are all part of the same body with the same goals. No job better than the other. I wish they taught that in nursing school. There are too many RNs that have no consideration for those who work under their supervision. I'm sorry you have had to work such hard a long hours. I hope that things will get easier for you. God bless you and yours, Belle L.
ReplyDeleteOh Grace, at least you got there in the end...... things just get overwhelming sometimes don't they.
ReplyDeleteCallie
Belle--thanks so much; always appreciate my "God bless". I can totally see you as a nurse! I really actually love my job...I get super attached to my patients, though, and when I feel that patient care is getting affected due to laziness, I get a little hot-headed. Too bad I don't work with you. :)
ReplyDeleteCallie--heck yes, they get overwhelming, lol! I hoping I'm on the downward slide of this particular stretch. :)
Yes you can get through this Grace. Hopefully everything will slow down and you can take some well-deserved days off soon. Good luck with the closing!
ReplyDeleteBlessings,
Cat
I hope you can slow down soon too...and I hope that S starts to communicate a bit more with you so that there aren't so many hurt feelings.
ReplyDeleteI'm so happy to hear you're buying a house of your own. Congratulations! Hang in there.
ReplyDelete