The Shoe Is Falling! The Shoe is Falling!

Maybe ya'll have heard the old saying, "Waiting for the other shoe to drop"...

(Please ignore any political connotations of this picture...I just feel like the squished people lol.)

I think I live my life that way: just waiting for that other shoe to drop. If we're out on the lake, I'm looking for the rain clouds. If I make fifty bucks, I'm immediately thinking about gas and groceries, and oh, my gosh, we're gonna go broke and whatever will we do?

And, when Steven and I are googly-eyed and happy and lovey-dovey and everything's going swell--I'm fully expecting him to turn to me and say he gives up, sorry, we were a good try...have a good life. (Reminds me of that song '"At A Red Light" by David Nail). And, I'd be left with the biggest ever hole, right where my heart and happiness used to be. I think, sometimes, it's almost worse when we're especially happy, because that's when I'd be the most miserable if he left.That means, after we've had a great little run, I usually start doing some pushing.

If he asks about my day, I give little more than a grunt or a, "It's fine."

If he spanks me, I fight tooth and nail. (Not that that ever helps or anything...just hurts...but, for some reason, I feel compelled to try it.)

When he helps out around the house, I just tell him I would have gotten around to it.


And, I wind up very sore, and with a very confused boyfriend. This past week has definitely been one of those weeks. I think I've been spanked at least once a day for the majority of it.

But, then, the other day, I was at work, musing over my barrage of sharp comments and snappy tones and my very sore bottom, when it struck me.

I was coping.

Ew.

Prepping myself for something that hadn't happened, and wasn't going to happen.

Sabotaging the good that we were having.

Ew.

So, I went home and told him about my little epiphany.

"So, that's why I do that!...I think."

"Mm. I'd noticed it was after a good streak."

"Yep." I'm sure I looked supremely smug with myself. Wonderful deducing skills in action, right here. :)

"Well, now we know, we can work on it." Cue face-fall here. I mean, I discovered the reason...shouldn't that make it fixed??

Nevertheless...

Steven's dictated a fix.

And, I don't want to hurt us, so I'm more than willing to go along.