Already Infrequent Posts...

Are probably about to get even more infrequent. I was forced to resign this morning from work. They left me zero options, telling me that my "restrictions really leave us no options to make available to you." This cuts our income in half. And, with the condition of my pregnancy, anyway, it's highly unlikely that I'll find another job that will work with school hours, restrictions, and frequent flare-ups that require me to miss work.

That being said, we're trying to bottom-line. We'll be cutting our internet, our gym memberships--anything we can afford to lose, will be gone. It's been a tough decision and an emotionally draining, harrowing experience.

In addition, my step-grandfather passed away quite suddenly. All in all, it's been a tough few weeks.

Still, we're trying to be positive. We had an ultrasound that looked great today--the first where the baby looked like a baby! I had a slight weight gain--which the doctor was thrilled with, considering my morning(yeah, right...afternoon and night sickness, too!) sickness. All of our tests came back great; I get one more check, his has over-time and holiday pay on it. We had a fabulous forth of July(hope ya'll did, too!). Our dogs are doing wonderful--not one fight since the neutering!

Plus, I'm leaning pretty heavily on a WONDERFUL song(if you guys haven't heard it, go check it out...). It's called "Oceans(Where Feet May Fail)". So, all that to say--I'm sorry this is so disjointed. I'm feeling a little adrift. Any good thoughts, prayers, etc. will be much, much appreciated!! :)



https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7QR2KGmL50k   <---Link to that song! :) :) :)

What Would I Do Without My Mother...

  So, another pretty quick update, because I'm not allowed to sit up for very long. Really, I'm only allowed to sit up to eat, or other such short endeavors.

  I, as some of you may know, have three "dads". My biological, my first step-dad(who raised me), and my current step-dad. And, I know it's a little late, but, for Father's Day, Stephen and I are going to do a Father's Day cookout at our house. To help me prepare, my saint of a mother came over Wednesday night to help me clean. All day that day, I'd worked on the house, but slowly...there was a slight catch in my back every time I straightened or moved too quickly.

By the next morning, I could barely walk, couldn't get myself dressed, or on or off the toilet by myself. Everything, even rolling over in bed, was excruciating. By 6:45 in the morning, I caved and called my mom again, asking her what to do. In typical, my mother fashion--she was at my house with ice packs within thirty minutes, and she'd already started making calls to the various chiropractors in the area. She was convinced my "back was out." And, in a manner of speaking, it is.



Really, though, in what my doctor says is a common situation for pregnant women, my expanding pelvis is weakening and is pressing on my sciatic nerve and my back also refuses to stay anywhere near in alignment. He insisted that I not work, at least for this week, and go down to 8 or 10 hour days when I return to work. As it stands, I'm not able to sit for long, stand for long, lay on my back for an extended period of time, I have to ice it regularly, and, though I'm much improved, I still have to go back every two days or so for the next week and have help getting around. My mother has been a god-send, while Stephen works long 12 hour days. She has helped me dress, fed me, helped me clean my house, played chauffeur, as I can't drive, and just in general been an absolute miracle. Even now, she and my step-dad are outside, mowing our grass.



Really, I don't know what we'd do without them! But, it's about time for another ice pack, so I'll update again later...hopefully with "hey, as I start the second trimester, all the difficulties of pregnancy have mysteriously vanished!" :P

I hope you all are doing well, and I can't tell you how much I appreciate your comments. :)

Quick Update

So...it's been a bit since our, rather shocking, discovery of my pregnancy. And, boy, it's been an eventful ride so far! Four days after my last post, I went in for an ultrasound. Since I was unaware that it was a transvaginal ultrasound, myself, Steven, his mother, and my mother were all present.

I'll leave out most of that humiliating event--except to say, when they started looking, the tech found: nothing. Not a sac, not a baby, nothing. Panicked, I asked, "Well, but, I'm pregnant, right? I mean, I had the blood tests and everything!" To which she replied, "Not by looking at this ultrasound, you're not."

So, they rescheduled for two weeks out, just to see if anything was progressing, or if I'd already lost our little miracle. Then, that weekend, I started bleeding. I went in Monday, a week early, to see what was going on.

This time, there was a little sac, clinging on for dear life. And, an active uterine bleed. Again, we were warned this might not progress, but were told to come back the next Monday, as scheduled, to reevaluate.

The next Monday--there was a little, tiny baby! With a little tiny heartbeat! And only a little bit of extra fluid. Things were definitely looking up.

That was the week I started getting sick. And, I do mean, *sick*. I'm currently down 11 lbs from my pre-pregnancy weight. My dad says all I do is "rent meals." Steven's so used to my constant existence in the bathroom, he walked in on me, throwing up, to ask what I wanted for dinner. And, of course--to sleep. I've done rather a lot of that, too.


Fast forward two weeks: not this past Monday, but the one before, we went back for another ultrasound. The baby had grown. It wiggled, it had little arms and little legs, and an even faster, stronger heartbeat than before. All of the extra fluid was gone, and the uterine bleed had resolved. The doctor says my chances of losing the baby at this point are next to non-existent.

However, as evidenced by the shortness of this post--I still don't feel like much of anything worthwhile. Hopefully, all the first trimester symptoms will have eased in the next couple of weeks. Looking very forward to it!!

Anywho, sorry for the length of time between posts, and for the brevity of the posts I do make. Once I'm a person again, I'm sure I'll be more...normal, lol.

And, thank you ALL SO MUCH for the sweet comments on our little miracle. :) We have been so thankful for all the prayers and well-wishes--clearly, we've needed them!

:) 

Our Miracle

I've lost count of the times I've sat down to write this post...we're just so blown away, I haven't even known how to put what's happened into words. 

Many years ago, when Steven was just a child, he was diagnosed with cancer. He fought a hard battle, and with the aid of chemo and God, he won. His mom told me not long after we became serious that the doctors told them he probably would never have kids.

  With that in mind, there was very little protection when we slept together. At first, we were sort of mindful of when my periods were, but we never REALLY paid attention. And, then, a year ago, I went to see my GYN for a check-up. After asking a series of rather personal questions(I guess that comes with the job description), he told me "not to waste our money on birth control. Between you and him, you will never get pregnant."

  Fast forward. We quit even thinking about kids. Instead, we planned for adoption when I finished my nursing school. Everything perfectly planned out, right in a pretty, perfect order. Married? Check. House? Check. School? Working on it. Full-time jobs? Got 'em. Debt? Slowly but surely cutting it down.

Then, I started getting fatter. No matter what I did, I couldn't lose weight. I ate better. I exercised. I gained, or, at the very least, was unable to lose. I became exhausted. I'd be up for a couple of hours, and then so tired I thought I'd just die if I didn't get some sleep. I was hungry, always, always hungry.

People at work started teasing me about being pregnant. To prove them wrong, I took a test.

Positive.

Four more.

Positive, all.

A doctor's visit, complete with blood work.

Also positive.

I'm pregnant.

And floored.

And ecstatic.

And stunned.

And going back on the 19th for an ultrasound.

We're blessed.

Just wanted to share. 

I Have TO...

I don't have a whole lot to say---it's been a pretty hectic week, really a pretty hectic month; and it still doesn't really seem like anything's happened. As odd as that sounds. This is just a post to basically say that we're still alive and kickin'...

Once things slow down some, I'll get the chance to get back on here and sort all my thoughts into some kind of semblance of order!

:)

:)

(And, this I feel...is the PERFECT LOLCat to support the last month, LOL!)

Snow Day!!

So, firstly--let me just say a couple of little "house-keeping" things.

The weekly letters has seemed to be helpful. So, that's going well. :)

Our two youngest dogs have been neutered, and that's been a trick, let me just tell you...they are wearing the "cones of shame" and are bumping into and getting stuck on EVERYTHING!

AND,

WE HAD A SNOW DAY!! Like...not terribly specific, but I live in East Tennessee...we don't DO snow here. At all. A half inch and schools are closed for days. And we got...wait for it...

NINE INCHES!! Steven and I took that opportunity to start to build a snow man, end up in a snowball war with his brother, take the dogs out in the white winter wonderland of it all, eat snow cream...I mean, we have gone ALL OUT. And, just to prove it--

Our sweet Diesel-boy

Kiesar(More affectionately known as Monkey)

 Outside our window!! 

We buried the ball in the snow. :) 

Loving this. LOVING it. :) 

Trusting a New Start

So. As many of you know, Steven and I--we have some trust issues. Mine come from the whole cheating thing--and it doesn't take just a whole lot to set off those insecurities. His...his are a little different.


When I get upset, I throw bombs. Not even gonna lie. I'm fighting, and, in my family, an argument has always been a "to the death"(figuratively speaking) thing. The things I say are barbed and cutting, and, let's be honest here, they're intended to hurt. His trust issues come from him being open and honest with me, and then me hurting him in return.

Recently, we had a big argument--he didn't want to lend me his phone, I lost my temper, I brought up the whole cheating fiasco in front of his parents...specifically, his dad, whom he idolizes. I was rude and hateful. Did I really feel all those horrible, it's-happening-again-oh-my-I-can't-handle-this feelings? Absolutely. Should I still have been in control of myself? Absolutely. When we got home, I refused to speak to him. And, he, fed up with the whole thing, went to our room and laid down. I traipsed into the kitchen and had my way with a little of the whiskey he keeps. Then, I proceeded to serenade the dogs with various songs from the new Disney movie Frozen.

Which, naturally, alerted him to the fact I wasn't totally sober. He lost his temper, furious that I would drink after everything else. His spanking was a little more than a spanking ought to have been, though mercifully short. I, however, continued to throw bombs. I said the most horrible things I could think of, including, but not limited to, I'm ashamed to say, "If I had known all the SHIT you were going to put me through, the day that I met you, I would have RUN! Turned tail and run! And you know what? I would have been right to do it!"

All that to say, our trust stuff needs some working out. Thankfully, through all of that, we agreed that it needed sorting. It's going to be a long row to hoe, for sure, but we have some ideas that are hopefully going to smooth the road a bit.

Firstly, we're going to write one another weekly letters. From the point we receive them from the other, we have three days before we respond. That time is for thinking, mulling, praying, considering...really 'listening' to the other's point of view. Then, we'll have a sit down chat to discuss what the letters said. They can be positive, or they can be things we're concerned about or feel need addressing. They can be anything. We just think that it's important to kind of..."start over", if you will. I had the really sad realization that we're not really best friends anymore. We need an almost "re-get to know you" period to get a handle on all the things we've let slide.

Secondly, we're reassessing the rules. Together. What they are for me, what they are for him...we've instituted a ten minute rule prior to any spanking. That way, we both know we're both in control of our tempers.

And, we're practicing just being totally honest with one another. It was a hard conversation to have, last night. Long and emotionally grueling--a difficult look at a hard place in our lives. At the same time, though, it was heartening, freeing.I saw a quote not long ago: an interviewer had asked an elderly couple who had been married 65+ years how they'd stayed together. "Easy," they replied. "We came from a time where if something was broken, you fixed it, not threw it away."

And, so, we're looking to that. And to God. And, we're going to fix this.

And...

In celebration of such a declaration--

We had a tickle fight/pillow fight....

I won. :)



(Sort of.)