Our Miracle

I've lost count of the times I've sat down to write this post...we're just so blown away, I haven't even known how to put what's happened into words. 

Many years ago, when Steven was just a child, he was diagnosed with cancer. He fought a hard battle, and with the aid of chemo and God, he won. His mom told me not long after we became serious that the doctors told them he probably would never have kids.

  With that in mind, there was very little protection when we slept together. At first, we were sort of mindful of when my periods were, but we never REALLY paid attention. And, then, a year ago, I went to see my GYN for a check-up. After asking a series of rather personal questions(I guess that comes with the job description), he told me "not to waste our money on birth control. Between you and him, you will never get pregnant."

  Fast forward. We quit even thinking about kids. Instead, we planned for adoption when I finished my nursing school. Everything perfectly planned out, right in a pretty, perfect order. Married? Check. House? Check. School? Working on it. Full-time jobs? Got 'em. Debt? Slowly but surely cutting it down.

Then, I started getting fatter. No matter what I did, I couldn't lose weight. I ate better. I exercised. I gained, or, at the very least, was unable to lose. I became exhausted. I'd be up for a couple of hours, and then so tired I thought I'd just die if I didn't get some sleep. I was hungry, always, always hungry.

People at work started teasing me about being pregnant. To prove them wrong, I took a test.

Positive.

Four more.

Positive, all.

A doctor's visit, complete with blood work.

Also positive.

I'm pregnant.

And floored.

And ecstatic.

And stunned.

And going back on the 19th for an ultrasound.

We're blessed.

Just wanted to share. 

I Have TO...

I don't have a whole lot to say---it's been a pretty hectic week, really a pretty hectic month; and it still doesn't really seem like anything's happened. As odd as that sounds. This is just a post to basically say that we're still alive and kickin'...

Once things slow down some, I'll get the chance to get back on here and sort all my thoughts into some kind of semblance of order!

:)

:)

(And, this I feel...is the PERFECT LOLCat to support the last month, LOL!)

Snow Day!!

So, firstly--let me just say a couple of little "house-keeping" things.

The weekly letters has seemed to be helpful. So, that's going well. :)

Our two youngest dogs have been neutered, and that's been a trick, let me just tell you...they are wearing the "cones of shame" and are bumping into and getting stuck on EVERYTHING!

AND,

WE HAD A SNOW DAY!! Like...not terribly specific, but I live in East Tennessee...we don't DO snow here. At all. A half inch and schools are closed for days. And we got...wait for it...

NINE INCHES!! Steven and I took that opportunity to start to build a snow man, end up in a snowball war with his brother, take the dogs out in the white winter wonderland of it all, eat snow cream...I mean, we have gone ALL OUT. And, just to prove it--

Our sweet Diesel-boy

Kiesar(More affectionately known as Monkey)

 Outside our window!! 

We buried the ball in the snow. :) 

Loving this. LOVING it. :) 

Trusting a New Start

So. As many of you know, Steven and I--we have some trust issues. Mine come from the whole cheating thing--and it doesn't take just a whole lot to set off those insecurities. His...his are a little different.


When I get upset, I throw bombs. Not even gonna lie. I'm fighting, and, in my family, an argument has always been a "to the death"(figuratively speaking) thing. The things I say are barbed and cutting, and, let's be honest here, they're intended to hurt. His trust issues come from him being open and honest with me, and then me hurting him in return.

Recently, we had a big argument--he didn't want to lend me his phone, I lost my temper, I brought up the whole cheating fiasco in front of his parents...specifically, his dad, whom he idolizes. I was rude and hateful. Did I really feel all those horrible, it's-happening-again-oh-my-I-can't-handle-this feelings? Absolutely. Should I still have been in control of myself? Absolutely. When we got home, I refused to speak to him. And, he, fed up with the whole thing, went to our room and laid down. I traipsed into the kitchen and had my way with a little of the whiskey he keeps. Then, I proceeded to serenade the dogs with various songs from the new Disney movie Frozen.

Which, naturally, alerted him to the fact I wasn't totally sober. He lost his temper, furious that I would drink after everything else. His spanking was a little more than a spanking ought to have been, though mercifully short. I, however, continued to throw bombs. I said the most horrible things I could think of, including, but not limited to, I'm ashamed to say, "If I had known all the SHIT you were going to put me through, the day that I met you, I would have RUN! Turned tail and run! And you know what? I would have been right to do it!"

All that to say, our trust stuff needs some working out. Thankfully, through all of that, we agreed that it needed sorting. It's going to be a long row to hoe, for sure, but we have some ideas that are hopefully going to smooth the road a bit.

Firstly, we're going to write one another weekly letters. From the point we receive them from the other, we have three days before we respond. That time is for thinking, mulling, praying, considering...really 'listening' to the other's point of view. Then, we'll have a sit down chat to discuss what the letters said. They can be positive, or they can be things we're concerned about or feel need addressing. They can be anything. We just think that it's important to kind of..."start over", if you will. I had the really sad realization that we're not really best friends anymore. We need an almost "re-get to know you" period to get a handle on all the things we've let slide.

Secondly, we're reassessing the rules. Together. What they are for me, what they are for him...we've instituted a ten minute rule prior to any spanking. That way, we both know we're both in control of our tempers.

And, we're practicing just being totally honest with one another. It was a hard conversation to have, last night. Long and emotionally grueling--a difficult look at a hard place in our lives. At the same time, though, it was heartening, freeing.I saw a quote not long ago: an interviewer had asked an elderly couple who had been married 65+ years how they'd stayed together. "Easy," they replied. "We came from a time where if something was broken, you fixed it, not threw it away."

And, so, we're looking to that. And to God. And, we're going to fix this.

And...

In celebration of such a declaration--

We had a tickle fight/pillow fight....

I won. :)



(Sort of.)

A Happy :)

Today is a good day. A very good day.

Today I can get some housework done, we have heat, the dogs are playing nicely with one another, and when my husband gets home, we can finally spend some quality time together.

This week has definitely been one of the harder ones since before we got married. I have been exhausted--mentally and physically drained, falling into bed each morning after work, and waking just early enough to get a quick shower in before I went back to work.

My patients have been difficult--either dying or violent. This week, I was doubled over by being hit in the stomach with a breathing machine, I was brutally pinched(like, bruises kind) by a sizable male patient who then assured me the only reason I wasn't already dead is because he couldn't think of  bridge big enough to bury me under, and that he wanted to shove a knife down my throat, just to see what I'd look like, bleeding out. I had a different patient who was placed on Comfort Care--always an emotional experience for me. It's so hard to watch a family grieve a death--especially an impending, not even happened yet--kind of death.

We found out that very, very close friend was in the hospital herself.

The heat man called and asked if he could wait to fix our heat, since it was cold outside.

I'm going to leave that one alone, acutally... :P

All, that to say, I've just been utterly drained.

But, today is a good day. A great day!! Today--I'm off. Steven will be home soon. And, I want to cuddle. :)

I'm looking so forward to seeing my man!!

A Rambling, Slightly Frazzled Look At The New Year So Far...

  With the start of this new year, there has come quite a bit of stress--and, I'm trying to remember--quite a bit of opportunity for improvement, advancement, and growth.

Steven was denied for his financial aid. He can't go to school until the summer, when we can pay for it outright. The downside? This delays our move and adds another thing we need to save for. The upside? We have more time to save, and we have another chance to strengthen our relationship and marriage through pushing through a difficult sort of time.

Our dogs took sizable chunks out of one another. Downside? Uhm, they tore each other up. And, I don't feel as though I can trust them alone. The upside? They finally have a date set to get fixed, something that had kind of fallen to the wayside, in light of their easy going temperaments.

Steven got a promotion. All upside there. A raise, and a move up into a preferable position. :)

School starts back on Tuesday. This is a plus, because I'm finally moving foward, and I can stop working myself into the ground--which is what I do when I don't have school. It's a down, because...geez, I don't want to go back to school.

And the list just keeps going on. I'm feeling like I don't have a lot of control over my life right now, and, unfortunately...it's an easy thing to guess how I respond to the stress...I spiral, spin out. My temper frays, my housework goes uncompleted(largely, in this case, because our heat has been out for nearly two weeks, and they can't come to fix it until Wednesday...it's just been too dang cold to work around the house this past little bit. But....WEDNESDAY!! Woot, woot!! T minus two days!). I feel the need to work more and more and more, and I lose sight of my relationships. Steven has finally started yanking me back down to earth, and I'm grateful for it. Even if it means my hand cramps from writing lines(seriously. one of my LEAST favorite things to do! Especially since he doesn't do the whole, short "I will stop...blah blah blah" kind of line. Ooooh, no. His is all, "I understand that my attitude has had detrimental effects on myself, my husband, and our relationship. It is within my ability to change my attitude, and I will do so immediately.") ((Makes me shudder just remembering how long THAT took)), and I'm super sore when I sit, also. He just goes to being super strict about everything. There's no leeway, no wiggle room, no leniency, no easing off, or reducing punishments...it's just been no fun at all.

I still feel a little out of control, but...at the same time, I'm comforted to know at least ONE of us is in control and calm about everything.

So...

Yeah.


On that note, hoping everyone else is having a good start to the new year....it's nearly time for bed for me!!

Utter Panic

I know this is going to seem ridiculous, something crazy to be so upset about that I feel the need to "get it off my chest"...but, I don't remember the last time my heart was squeezed so tightly in my throat, or panic sat so deeply in my belly.

I was on the phone with Steven this afternoon as I pulled into our driveway. He was at work, and I was happily chattering away on his lunch break. I opened our door and, as always, went straight to let the dogs out. All three bounded past, and I never even looked in the room; instead, I followed them to the front door and swung it open. When they stepped out into the better light, I noticed a sort of sticky looking residue on Kiesar, my Doberman, and Diesel, Steven's Boxer. I squinted.

"Steven, I think the dogs peed and laid in it or something," I groused, moving back to check their room to see the extent of the damage. When I slid open their door again and stepped inside, I nearly vomited. Blood was sprayed all up the four white walls, staining thick ropes and splatters and droplets crimson. It soaked their sleepy-time blanket, and great red drops of it covered the floor. "Oh, my...oh, oh, oh..." I know Steven must have been frustrated, listening to my voice rise in panic, and me, hardly able to enunciate what I was seeing. When I finally stammered it out to him, I ran back to the front yard, just in time to see Ki limping up the steps and blood dripping down the white patch on Diesel's chest.

I don't know what set them off. I've never before even seen these two buddies shoot each other a dirty look...and here they are...both laying beside me, licking deep puncture wounds all over each others' bodies--bites that they caused. There's a certain hesitancy there, on both parts, though more on Ki's than Diesel's, but they seem to be improving. Still, it terrifies me to see the chunk torn out of my Dobie's ear and the huge punctures all over their heads, faces, ears, chests, legs....

I feel so stunned and scared and sickened.

And, I still can't get the blood off the walls.