A Teensy Weensy Bit Early...

Everyone a Very, Very Merry Christmas!! (I'm sure I'll post again before New Year's, but I doubt it before Christmas.) This is my favorite time of the year, hands down.I love the opportunity for giving, I wish I could love snow, but we never seem to get any, I love the old classic movies--my favorite is The Year Without a Santa Claus. I adore the tree, and the reindeer antlers and Santa hats that both my husband and my dogs good-naturedly wear for me.


Most of all, of course, I love our "Reason for the Season", as over used as that phrase may be. I think it's the most incredible thing that God squeezed all His might into the form a little baby boy--the start of the climax of the greatest story ever written. It blows my mind, when I look up at the stars(we live kind of out in the country, away from city lights that dim their wonder), and imagine that ONE star could be so big and so bright that people could follow it for miles and miles and miles to such a specific place, and arrive so perfectly on time. I love the song "Labor of Love" because it paints such a vivid picture in my mind.
 
 I've posted it at the bottom, in case you haven't heard it, but here's the lyrics, also:

It was not a silent night
There was blood on the ground
You could hear a woman cry
In the alleyways that night
On the streets of David's town
And the stable was not clean
And the cobblestones were cold
And little Mary full of grace
With the tears upon her face
Had no mother's hand to hold
It was a labor of pain
It was a cold sky above
But for the girl on the ground in the dark
With every beat of her beautiful heart
It was a labor of love
Noble Joseph at her side
Callused hands and weary eyes
There were no midwives to be found
In the streets of David's town
In the middle of the night
So he held her and he prayed
Shafts of moonlight on his face
But the baby in her womb
He was the maker of the moon
He was the Author of the faith
That could make the mountains move
It was a labor of pain
It was a cold sky above
But for the girl on the ground in the dark
With every beat of her beautiful heart
It was a labor of love
For little Mary full of grace
With the tears upon her face
It was a labor of love

When the song says that Mary had no mother's hand to hold, my first thought is that she was being held herself, in God's grace and love and mercy, and that, such a short time later, she had Jesus' little hand to hold, and how surely that made everything worth it.

Blows. My. Mind. So. That was my remember what Christmas is all about speech. :)

Also--little side-note: SUPER stoked about Steven's Christmas morning...

We we supposed to get just stocking stuffers--most of our stuffers don't fit in the stocking, but we're pretending all the same... I got him some of the usual stuff, ya know: a game, Scattergories(fab, if you haven't played it), a stubby wrench set, a little bit of whiskey(for him, not for me!), hand warmers(he works in the weather...if it's hot, it's really, really hot, and if it's cold it's freezing kind of thing...), new socks...that kind of thing...candy, of course...but, my pride and joy...

And, it's cheesy, I know.

See this? It's me not caring.. :P

I got one of those cheap, frosty kind of shower curtains...you know, the opaque kind? And I started at the very tippy top in permanent marker and wrote him a Christmas note.

It had some Merry Christmases. It had a couple quotes, some song lyrics that mean a lot to us( I won't give up, by Jazon Mraz and Fall Into Me by Sugarland), some slightly risque things, of course, and then a bunch of things that I really love and appreciate about him.

All the way down to the very, very bottom....

Here's hoping he likes it, and it's not too much cheese... :P

And, here is wishing you all again--a Super Duper Merry Christmas!!

From Here To There!

Wow, but this year has been eventful!! It seems like every time I turn around, something is going on. Steven and I have been remarkably blessed through all the ups and downs of this year, and it seems we've been blessed yet again, though in a distant, slightly scary way.

Steven works for an oil change company that runs between where we live here in Tennessee, all the way up through parts of Kentucky. Let's go ahead and shorten it to Z. Now, Z is owned by a chemical company---Q. At some point, Steven plans on completing his Chemistry degree and going from Z to Q. Couple of things about Z: it's a phenomenal place to work, they really only promote from within the company, so there are lots of opportunities for advancement(Steven's already been promoted twice, and he's only worked there since March!), they look for reasons to promote you, they do tuition reimbursement...it really is a fantastic place to work. And it's great from the top(Q), all the way down to the very bottom of Z(Which is where Steven started--and where almost all of them have to start, since, again, they try to promote within company).


So. All that said, Steven had a big interview for a promotion yesterday. I mean, super big deal. They let him take an extra long break at lunch to go shower and change into business attire for it kind of big deal.

At home, I waited anxiously for the full hour it took for them to complete his interview. When he finally called, he was PUMPED up. He's the fastest promotion from his station to the next since their area manager has been a manager. His book(some hoop he had to jump through to get promoted) was nearly perfect. They adored him, in short. And, they asked him what his plans for the future were. When he said he was after his Chem degree, with the hopes of working for Q....they simply asked, "Are you relocatable?" Steven didn't miss a beat.
 "Absolutely. My wife is working on her nursing degree, she can get a job anywhere." (Just so we're clear, he didn't just jump to this without telling me, though I was slightly stunned when he was telling me about it yesterday...I had encouraged to go after a position in the labs. And, we'd talked about moving before--he knew I wasn't completely opposed to moving out of state.) The area manager for our area has called the one for the place in Kentucky they want us to go to. They said get most of his degree here, and then, the last year of schooling, transfer up there to finish and get a foot in the door of the Z up there.

It's kind of scary to be honest. I'm excited of course, and proud enough of him to bust...and yet, we just bought a house here! There's so many logistics...and it'll be at least two years before we go, so it's not knocking on our door or anything...but there has to be plans in place, and financial decisions made, and trips sacrificed, and so much to do to prepare for something like that...Of course, Z ate "I'm relocatable" up with a spoon. Especially with Steven, their little golden boy.

Still, the idea that, in a few years, we're living in Kentucky as opposed to Tennessee...it's a little mind-boggling, I think. My step dad said, "Well, Grace. I think it's good for young couples to get out on their own. You know, some people are born, raised, and die within fifty miles of each other...why do that, when there's such a big, wide world out there?"

It's definitely going to be an adventure...deciding how to proceed, doing it, sticking a plan, a stringent budget, finding a new house up there, finishing both our degrees....but...

I'm still strangely psyched about it.

And, I'm super proud of my hard-working husband, who's made a name for himself, all the way up through the ranks of Z, in under a year.

Way to go, babe!

A Heck of A Week And Coping With Christmas

(As in, Christmas is HELPING us cope!!)

This past week has been uber rough on my family. Thankfully, Steven's been great support. I stayed up late Wednesday night, expecting to work Thursday.

No sooner had my head touched the pillow Thursday morning than my Mom called. My Grams--the one with Alzheimer's--had been walking through the small community she lived in towards a Christmas Bingo Party and slipped on a patch of ice. Through some miracle, she had her phone on her, and she called my mother; then, she waited on Mom to come pick her up out of the street. Mom was at the hospital I work at nearly an hour before I was able to get there.

And, it was already official--Grams had broken her femur. As we were changing her and preparing her for admission, I noticed my mom holding her hand funny.

"Mom...what's up with the hand?" I asked, gesturing with my head. She shrugged, a little sheepishly.
"My dogs,"(a weinie dog and a yorkie) "Got into a little scuffle yesterday morning. I broke them up." When I insisted she remove the band-aid, it nearly took  my breath. Her finger was ravaged, and the whole hand was rapidly swelling, sending angry red streaks out from the wound and up her hand.

Long story short--they were both admitted within four hours of one another. (To top it off, Security came and got me around 3 am...I had three flat tires on the ground.)

 

AND, yet....

It's Christmas time. :) Which, I'm obsessed with, truly. I love everything about it. This year, Steven and I are a little broke, and, really, I want to get away from the constant money, money, money that Christmas seems to be leaning towards...so, I've had a genius idea.

We're doing a Santa Photobooth. I've made loads and loads of props to choose from, and, patient Steven and I have gone all around our family and closest friends, snapping photos. Some with props, some without--most times, we follow up the photoshoot with a game night, which is always a blast.

 

And, despite most people's reluctance to participate, I doubt if I've ever been so excited about a Christmas. At the end, everyone will get a Christmas picture of themselves, and I'm going to make a Christmas 2013 Shutterfly book to have and look back on.

I love the idea of gifting "good times"; I'm looking forward to the laughs as everyone looks back over their pictures, and the pictures of sweet family. It's going to be great! And, it's cost us next to nothing!!

Today, we did Grams, even though she was in the hospital. My "cousin"--more like a sister--and I took my "nephew", C, (one year old) up and a big Happy Birthday Banner, since today was her b-day also. She posed cheerfully with tinsel and top hats and reindeer antlers and a little red nose. She kissed my sweet C under the mistletoe, with me looking on, one hand over my mouth and huge, wide eyes. It was great to see her light up as she chose her props. Can't wait for our friends' photoshoot tomorrow!!

"And All The Who's Down In Who-Ville..."--Also Known As The Best Day Date Ever.

So, I decided to sit back, take some good advice(*wink,wink*), read my old blog posts--the happy ones!--pray about everything, and just....think about mine and Steven's relationship; where I wanted it to go, where I THOUGHT he wanted it to go, what I loved about him, what I loved about us, how I could more lovingly approach him about things that bothered me...all of it.

And, I decided to celebrate our half anniversary, despite how I was feeling about everything. After all--how many times have I said or thought that the best way to spite our pain and our struggles is to improve? I saw a kind of cheesy romance pic the other day, but I really was struck by it:


So, I decided--again--that that was going to be us. I reminded myself that, in order for a relationship to grow and improve, every day has to be a new decision to love someone, to build them up instead of tear them down, to look for the ways they are amazing, instead of picking out their faults.

For our half anniversary, I made an ABC card deck, basically. Each letter had a card. On each front, there was either a memory or quote that I felt personified "us". On each back, there was an instruction or a question meant to spark deep, meaningful conversation. I found as I worked on this little project that it was easy to remember all the reasons that I loved him when I was looking for that, instead of the ways he drove me crazy. By the time I got off work Sunday morning, I was super stoked. I couldn't wait to get home--I ran straight through the house without turning on a single light and jumped up on the bed.

"Steven, wake up!! It's our Merry Half Anniversary!!" I gushed. He opened one eye.
"It is," he agreed. "Good morning--did you look on the kitchen counter?" I shook my head and thrust my carefully prepared cards towards him. He shook his head. "Go turn on the light and look on the counter." And, there were roses! Deeply red and placed sweetly next to a box of chocolates. :)

We ended up going to ASL  2 and 3's play instead of really celebrating that night, so we moved the rest of the celebration on to yesterday.

We had a big day date! We went and got our tree, tied it up onto his little BMW hatchback and brought it home. Steven good-naturedly allowed me to play Christmas music, wear red reindeer antlers, and place a Santa hat on him while we decorated our tree. :) For reference:

 Our tree....

And, then, the rest of our date!! We created a Graham Cracker Who-Ville!! From How the Grinch Stole Christmas. It was a blast...please ignore any mess in the background...we hadn't cleaned up from making all the icing and such. :) Steven did it all from scratch!

                                                     Who-Ville

 Despite what Steven says, this is a cave on a mountain. It is. That square thing underneath--it IS a mountain. I promise...

 Their little Who-Ville tree.

 My two houses..

Steven's two houses. :) His were probably more Who-y.

Anyway, just wanted to say, the date went great, and, as always, after encouragement and prayer and thought--things look better in the morning. :)

P.S. If you decide to give this project a shot--do what we did. Put cling wrap over the counter so it doesn't make such a big mess...seriously. Because this...this was a mess waiting to happen...

:)

"Ridiculous"

  Feeling super discouraged and worn ragged today. I feel as though I've lost my temper in the strangest sort of way--a kind of cold detachment that's stolen over me, instead of the usual fiery red fierceness that takes over. Warning: This is long and rambling and doesn't make just a ton of sense. I just...ya know...needed to vent today.

I've reached a point in my marriage, and today, it feels like my life, where I simply just don't care. I go through the motions of the morning, the daily necessities: you know, feed the dogs, brush my teeth, go to class.

But, I was able to sit, dry eyed, across the living room from my husband and tell him I was ready for nothing other than a marriage of convenience. I told him I was tired of being the one always trying, always pushing, always willing, and if he felt strongly enough about our relationship, he was welcome to fix it, but I didn't care. I told him I didn't want to celebrate our half-anniversary anymore, that I was opening a new bank account, and we could go in half on the bills.

He told me I was being ridiculous.

Who knows? Maybe I am.

He told me I dug in a conscious effort to find reasons not to trust him.

No, I dig because every time I do, I find something. Some more serious than others, but all a big pile of lies. Always, always the lies.

A few weeks ago, it was texts to the same girl he text-cheated with on me in May of last year...and November...the one I found on his phone when he was sick last Fall? When asked about it,

"Oh, no, Grace...it's been ages since I've talked to her!"

Really, because I have phone records that say you lie.

Then, it was "Did you feed the dogs?"

"Absolutely!"

"Why are their bowls in the same place?"

"...."

And, then, last night, money.

Now. You may not know this about me. It doesn't have reason to come up often. I'm a HUGE anti-borrower. I hate borrowing. From anyone. Ever. Ever. I will go out of my way and live on pancakes six nights a week from a box half a year old before I'll borrow, even from my parents. If I can't go to work and get it, I must not need it that bad. Which, Steven knows.

Admittedly, we've been running a little close to the wire recently. So. What does he do? He borrows from his mom. Hundreds, really, over the span of several..weeks? Months? I'm not sure. (Just a side note here, his mom is broke. Always broke. Desperately so, much like my real dad. If we HAD to borrow, she was not my top choice.) When asked where he was getting the money from, he lied on two different occasions: "Mom owed me some money from before. It just happened to go in today." (I know, I know, I'd shake my head, too. I don't know why I ever believed that line of utter BS.) Then, again, "Oh, don't worry. I had it. There's always money somewhere, Grace...you just have to know which ass cheek to pull it out of." With a snort and laugh. And, ya know what's pathetic? I believed him, then, too--and I laughed with him. I am SUCH an idiot. I should distrust everything that comes out of his mouth strictly on principle.

I believe VERY strongly in my marriage vows. I made my promises, and come hell or high water, I'll stand by my end. But, this...this is miserable.

I told him today I was redoing the budget, to be one hundred percent sure that he never felt the need to borrow from "Mommy" again. After all, this sheds all new light on why he didn't ever really defend me when his dad accused us of all those things right before we were married--he was probably borrowing from them, then, too. Not that I think borrowing when you absolutely must is a jail worthy offense or anything--

But, certainly doing it without my knowledge, against what he knows are my wishes, and then lying about it...

Maybe that was just the straw that broke the camel's back. I told him we had an awful, miserable, sorry, broken, ruined excuse for a relationship, much less a marriage.

"Grace. Sixty bucks doesn't make or break a marriage."

"No, but trust sure as Hell will!"

And, it will.

I wish he wanted to fix it. But, as for me, I can feel it already--I'm emotionally checked out. I mean, was the relationship that I grieve over so often...was it ever a real thing? A thing like I see you all have? A real, honest, painful, communication, struggling, joyous, strong relationship like you guys have? Or is it just another one of his many lies? Am I just an easy way to a house and clean underwear and dogs and a fake little family with fake little smiles on fake little faces?

I'm giving up a Christmas tree this year. My first year without one; I love them. Green and piney smelling, with beautiful, colored lights and balls that hang all around; thick and full all the way around...no skimpy backs for me! My Dad taught me how to pick out that perfect Christmas tree. But, if we don't have enough money for "just enough lunches to get me through til payday, Mom," then, I don't have enough for a tree.

I hate this. I hate watching my ideals crumple up all around me. What have I been living, myself? I have to wonder.

And, then, I think maybe crazy gets passed down. Dad's crazy. And I feel that way, all cold and detached, and then hot, angry violence like when I drank a half a bottle of Jack to forget that he was talking to that whore again and smashed the glass against the dresser and watched as it shattered into hundreds of beautiful, terrible sharp pieces on the hardwood floor--

"It's not their fault, Grace," his best friend told me. "It's always our person's fault. Our significant other, my fiance, your husband...they can say 'no'. They don't. It's our person's fault. Always."

But, I was here this time. I was present. I only work three nights a week--he brings me lunch each night. I'm slipping right now, but I've been better with house work. And, I've lost a little bit of weight, too...and Mom's bought me some nice clothes recently, because she says she dresses me better than I do..and I wear my make-up every day...even when I was so sick, I got up once and tried to put some on, so I didn't look so much like a corpse.

Maybe it was just sixty dollars.

But, it was another lie.

Maybe I'm being ridiculous.

Or, maybe, he's finally just driven me crazy. I asked him at one point to kill me, while I lay there, crying on the bed. So desperate to stop this madness. He said he wasn't going to do that, he loved me; took the guns out of the house and went to work.

I don't really want a marriage of convenience. I just want him to take me seriously. To not lie to me, not about the dogs, or texts, or girls, or money. You know, when we were just best friends? We never lied to each other. We were honest. Always. So proud of that, so proud of being so damn honest it hurt.

There's a song, it's very dramatic, but it's one of my favorites, by one of my favorite artists, and it's how I feel...except, I'm tired of trying. I'm sure, though, at some point, I'll get my second wind. Or tenth wind. Or whatever.





                                                                                                                                                                    I mean, did you hear that? "Ever worry 'bout what he's doing? How it all turned to lies? Sometimes I think that it's better to never ask why."

"Ever worry that it might be ruined? And does it make you want to cry?"

Yes.

I really, really want us to fix this. I want us to try. But, if he won't, I'm not willing.

Which is probably wrong.

His friend told me marriage vows be damned, staying wasn't enough if we weren't working on it.

Do we have enough left to save to bother?

One Day...

One day, I intend to post again. I really, really do. Tonight is Steven's family Thanksgiving--I thought about posting about that. And maybe I will.

But, I haven't eaten since Thursday.



I got some horrible, atrocious stomach bug...as in, I went in to work, Pharmacy sent me up some anti-nausea pills, and I threw them back up and got sent home anyway.

I'm hoping today to be able to stomach some soup. We'll see. Sprite was a challenge this morning. Too much, too fast.

And, I'm not sure if it's the sickness or the lack of food, but everything takes three times the effort it normally does. A half-hour ride in the car and then sixteen long steps to the front porch and I was out like a light for nearly an hour. We watched Avatar on the couch, and sitting up that long took so much I slept for who knows how long after that...I feel like death.

BUT.

I haven't died, and one day, I'm going to get around to a real post.

P.S. Best husband in the world. He's been so good and tending. :)

Lovin' The Lurkers Day

   We, being Steven and I, of course, really, really

You to leave a comment!! We draw such support from our dear friends around the world through this blog, and we'd LOVE to hear from you!! I know it's a smidge scary. Really, I get it! BUT,  ???

Just a little comment!! "Hey" would do!!

:) :) Lookin' forward to lovin' us some lurkers!!

Ahem. That's YOUR cue.

:D