Negotiating A Response To Movement..Or...A Bit On All Three Things

So, Clint posted a  new installment to his Addressing Spanking Issues series, and, like I've noticed some others saying--it rather resonated with me. Really, his last two posts: Negotiating and Movement. I'm AWFUL about both, as embarrassing as that is to admit.

Bless Steven's heart, he's tried the extra swats to get me to hold still. He's tried corner time for negotiating(that actually seems to work, as I loathe standing in the corner. In addition to just feeling awkward in general, it's intensely boring, as my mind covers what I'm standing there for, and how to prevent it--he'll usually ask if I know why I'm being punished, and I need a response--and then about a million other things in my 5-15 minute stint staring at sullen paintwork.) He's tried faster swats for holding still. He's tried harder swats...but, for some reason, Kypr(you remember, my little messenger from butt to brain?) just feels like it's better to have a few extra swats for moving and still have that moment of relief than it is for the stinging to just get more intense. He starts every spanking with a reminder:
((Nah, not that,though I'm sure he feels that way. Usually just, "I know we've been through this, but just so we're clear. Do NOT put your hand back, Do NOT roll over, Do NOT stand up, Do NOT move away from me." I really am awful enough to need those. :( ))

Up to now, I just viewed the moving and negotiating as par for the course. The phrase "This isn't a negotiation, it's a decision, and it's been made! You're not going to tell me how to spank you!" was oft heard and even more oft ignored, I'm ashamed to admit. In fact, it usually generated an eye roll and a sigh and a "Pleeasseee quit lecturing and get it on with" attitude. (A fact I always regretted soon after, but always seem to go back to). I stood up, I threw my hand back, I wriggled, I rolled over, I tried talking to distract. I tried EVERYTHING.

And, now, having read both Clint's blog and a couple others' response to it, I realize just how detrimental that behavior was. My "but it *hurts*" excuse just doesn't hold water. (Not that it ever held a whole lot, anyway--"Baby. I know it hurts. We both know it hurts. It's supposed to hurt. It's a spanking.") At the time, like I said, it just seemed normal, the natural, obvious response.

In the future, I'm really going to try hard not to fight it. Not to negotiate, not to move. It *is* disrespectful and undermining, and I'm stunned to think how I've overlooked all that up till now. I apologized to him for my past attempts at negotiating and my general lack of cooperation.

Here's to doing better, though, right?

Triple Trouble

OOPS! I jinxed myself. I said I was doing sooo good...and then, I turned right around and let the ground fall right out from under all of my effort. It had been...I don't know...probably a little over a week since I'd really even gotten any warning swats...so, this...this was unpleasant in the extreme.

I didn't want to accept it.

I didn't want to accept being wrong...(Who does, though, really? Especially when Pride is my middle name..)

But..I'm getting ahead of myself. So...
 Yesterday was a housework day. I worked really hard to get the kitchen and bathroom immaculate(let me tell you--that took some doing) and to work on some other little things around the house. At the end of all this, I had a killer headache and was just a little on edge. So, he arrives home, and I'm already a tad edgy. Then, the "unthinkable" happened--the dog knocked over the trash and was dragging it all over the house. The house I'd just spent hours trying to put back to rights. I spanked the dog, right up until Steven yelled from the bedroom that that was plenty. (I didn't beat him or anything, just for the record).

"Clearly it's NOT," I snapped back, "Since this isn't the first time I've had to do this!" He let my sass slide, and continued reading his book. Irritated, I laid down on the couch--just in time to see our cat jump up into the trash bin and knock it right back over. I didn't think.

I grabbed my keys and a pair of shorts and walked barefoot out of the house and climbed in my car. When I started it up, I saw him running out of the house, but some wild hair took me.

Instead of stopping...


I laughed. And drove off. He followed, but I looked at it like a game, and lost him in the maze of back roads surrounding our house. After all...I was raised here. He wasn't.

Naturally, when I made my happy way home(I was only gone about fifteen minutes), I got spanked. I tried to defend it:

"Babe, I go for drives all the time...there was never a RULE against it. We haven't DISCUSSED it or written it down or ANYTHING!" (We don't even write our rules...don't know WHERE that came from).

"So, it is perfectly acceptable to just up and walk out of the house, after midnight, without telling me that you're going? Where you're going? How long you'll be gone? That seems safe and smart to you?"

"Seems fine to me, yep!" *Cue angelic grin*

"I see. And, when you saw me come out on the porch and wave, it was fine to drive away?"

"I didn't see you wave."

"Did you see me get in the car?"

"...No." I didn't! I saw the headlights come on...

Needless to say--these arguments didn't fly, and I found myself sitting on a sore tail not much later. Now, normally, post-spanking is comfortable and snuggly and a little weepy(for me, not him). Last night, though, he gave me a hug and asked me to check my schedule for work for today. I pulled it up online, but before I finished, he had his nose buried back in that book. I tried to weasel my way back into his arms, but pretty much just got told to move. Offended, I went to the couch and watched a tv show instead. An hour later, I came in, ready for bed, and with full spite mode on.

He tried to hold me then.

I was having none of it. I put my hands on his chest and shoved back slightly. He turned me and swatted me. Unfortunately, I fell prey to that which we are always warned about: I jerked. His swat landed on the small of my back. Without thinking, I wheeled around and lashed out, shoving him back off of me.

"You do NOT lash out at me physically," he growled. Thankfully, he just stuck me in a corner till he calmed down. I was spanked again, (deservedly, as much as I hate to admit that); this time, he tried to comfort, but I was over the whole situation.

"You didn't want to earlier, you aren't going to now," I spat, putting my back to him. For a while, he kept trying. I just kept wriggling out of his embrace. (Yes, I know--can I GET any more childish??)

This morning, I was still feel very...anti-affection. I blamed him for not fixing the situation, rather than myself for being a total brat. He said he didn't have time to deal with it right then,

"I'm sorry, babe, for having a job!"

"Fuck you!" I hissed back. A true double whammy. I hate that word myself, I almost never use it. Secondly, I'm not allowed to cuss at him(duh), and I'm certainly not ever to use that word at him.

He made time.

But, ya know--

It's alright. Because we're fixed. :)

I'm On A Good Streak... :)

Possibly because I'm too tired to get into trouble, lol. We just found out that Steven's family is going to take us on a cruise--my first thought? Oh, my, I'm too big to fit into a pretty bathing suit!

I got excited, did all that jazz, and then made a bee line for the gym. I've been twice a day, every day, since then. I've also rather remembered that I enjoy exercise...A strange thought, but one that's true nonetheless. Still, it's absolutely kicking my butt!!



It helps, too, that we've had an awesome few days together. We went to see the Trans-Siberian Orchestra last night...absolutely PHENOMENAL performance! Lights and fire and wonderful voices!! It was soooo COOL...

Made even better by the fact that's how he and I met, eight years ago. I walked into our sophomore classroom, to see him standing there, boasting a TSO shirt. Now, one thing to note: my dad and I? We're obsessed. Totally. So, naturally, I asked him about it. He told me, quite casually, that, yeah, he'd gone to a concert. But, he loved them, too..




So, last night was wonderful--after all these years, it was still our first TSO concert together. He was all kinds of affectionate, and it was such a great performance, anyway! Loved every minute of it!




But...I'm afraid it's back to housework for me. :) Just figured I'd check in, since it had been a bit.

 (Yeah....not quite... :P )

I'm BACK! :)

I know it's been a while...and I'm honestly not even sure where to start, if this post should be one or two or ten parts. It's going to be one that pulls it out of me, for sure.

Why? Well, mostly I guess because the last few weeks have been utterly grueling. Actually, I don't think that I really feel up to reliving all of it, lol, but suffice it to say, it was as much he as me and vice versa. It took a crazy painful spanking and a lot of talking, a lot of hashing it out, and a lot of comfort. At the end of the day, though--I'm glad it happened. I think we did quite a lot of growing.

Yeah...maybe I'll come fill all this back in later, but for right now, lol, the house has to be clean if I want a new puppy lol!!!

And, Just for cuteness' sake.... :)

Drowning in Molasses

I'm serious. This is one of those times that I just feel like I'm swimming, "under water", in molasses. I don't feel like I can breathe, I don't feel any support.  My feelings are hurt, and I really don't remember feeling quite this alone in a long time.

I mentioned yesterday that I got spanked the other night. What I didn't say was that he was home well after midnight, I fought being woken up, I fought his phone calls when he tried to reach me on his way home. I was upset that he had been with his car friend from that morning until after midnight, knowing I was home by myself after work and scared. Knowing I was upset enough about the situation to take an hour and a half drive after I got off(he knew when I started the drive, he knew when I finished. He just said "Let me know when you get home, babe. Goodnight, I love you.")

I also didn't say that the spanking didn't work for me. I was still upset and hurt afterwards. He knew I was distant--I fell asleep on the edge of the bed, my back to him, crying still.

He just put his back to me and went on to sleep.

Last night, he got home at 4 am.

I wasn't there. I know a lot of people would disagree with that. I don't even know for sure that *I* agree with what I did. I texted him and let him know what I was doing, don't get me wrong. And, maybe that's part of what bothered me: I let him know that I was upset enough to stay the night at my Grams', and he never once asked or told me to stay home. He didn't say he'd try and get home a little earlier. He didn't try to talk to me about any of it. He just assumed my upset was all over the marriage thing(it wasn't.), and that was that.

To top it off, I chain-smoked my Black and Milds. Yeah, those things I'm not even allowed to look at?? He wants to know how many I've had, how many days I've smoked. He hasn't been here enough to notice whether I was or not. Apparently, I get spanked once a day for how many days I've smoked, and I lose the computer for how many cigarellos I've had. I'll be honest. I have a really addictive personality...there was a good reason he made me stop the first time. It's only been five days, and I already have a headache when I don't have my little fix. I'm so ashamed of myself. I feel guilty and ashamed that I'm back to this; I'm frustrated, knowing how hard it will be to put them back down.


But, I feel angry and hurt and rebellious. I don't want any part of being disciplined. I don't want to be spanked anyway, sure, but I also don't want the risk of being left on my own to cry myself to sleep again. Did I mention yesterday was supposed to be maintenance? I don't want it, I'm on some level glad that I wasn't spanked, but...

He forgot.

Because he was with his "other woman", the car.

And, all the while, I'm still drowning in molasses.

I can't even find a suitable lolcat. :(

Can I Just Say...

That I was right?

This has been one of the longest, hardest weeks EVER.  It started with, quite possibly, one of the stupidest decisions I think I've ever made. After a certain someone(ahem, STEVEN) said no to getting another dog, a puppy appeared in the bathroom. It was SUPPOSED to be a little pit bull puppy...but, (going against another rule) I craigslisted alone and was totally scammed. It was a jack-russel mix. But, once he was there....what could I do, right???



So, while Steven was at work, I stuck a post-it note on the bathroom door(the room the dog was in): "Hi, Daddy!! Please don't kill Mommy. I love you! I hope you love me, too!!" And left...



It was bright and happy and..itt went over SOOO well. So well, in fact, that I got spanked, we started maintenance, he ordered a paddle, I was grounded from the computer for a few days, blogging for a week, the network for two weeks, and everything ELSE DD related for three weeks. Plus, I had to take the dog back. And, I didn't even get my money back.

Now. Let me just be clear for a second. I SUCK at being grounded. I hate it. It chafes, and I find it very difficult to stay on restriction. So. I have been quite thoroughly spanked for the attitude that I get from being grounded...every day this week. Yep. You read that right. Every single stinkin' day.

It didn't help that I haven't slept well for most of the week. That started, largely, because of the storms my area is experiencing. I'm petrified of storms, and I'm not gonna lie--I spent more than a few minutes curled up under the bed with Blue-dog, under the guise of chilling him out...poor guy is even more afraid than I am. I won't deny, though, that he was quite comforting in his own right.

But, then,  (though this is good news, it still didn't help the sleep issue) I didn't get any sleep one night because....

TAH-DAH!!

My sister had a baby. My first nephew. It was a long, hard labor, and I spent the parts of the night that I wasn't at the hospital, waiting up for a phone call to see how she was doing. He's a beautiful baby boy, 7lbs, 12 oz, 21 inches...and I couldn't possibly be more excited!!



But...that brought up the age-old argument with us--the marriage thing...

Long story short?

I want to be married. Badly. I feel like we're living together, sharing finances, have DD, have pets, sleep together, etc...we should have that little certificate.

Steven disagrees. He says we're too young to be married.

I say we're living like we are...why not make it official?

So, you can add that to the list of things we've argued about this week. Plus, I was so upset and stressed and exhausted, I broke another cardinal rule: I turned my phone off, went for a drive, and smoked. So, hello spanking at 2 am.  UGH! I swear...I just want to go to bed and sleep for a week, and see if that changes things.