Firstly, I want to say that I appreciate all the comments and care and concern. I don't want to seem ungrateful, or bull-headed, or anything of the sort--but trust me, this is definitely a day-by-day thing--this processing of my life.
I've been crazy busy the past few days--when I finish this week, I'll have clocked over ninety hours at the hospital. A very good friend of mine had her baby--the most beautiful little girl I've ever seen in my life. :) I get to meet her tomorrow morning--I'm super psyched. Plus, I had my nursing entrance exam this afternoon.
Stupidly, I planned that well before I started working night shift, and this whole sleep in the day time thing meant it felt like I was waking up at midnight to take a test.
So. Yeah, it's definitely been a week of it.
Some days, I really feel like I'm ok. I laugh and goof off and go about my day like I did before. Perfectly fine; I change the cat litter, feed the dogs, do laundry.
And some days..well, some days are a little rougher. Today, I spent a good hour or so on the phone with my best friend. I've mentioned her in passing on here before--her husband is his best friend. Normally, she's all about pulling for us.
Today, she said she was really struggling with being furious at him. She said when her husband talked about him, it made her angry. That she felt I was being very manipulated. She wants me to leave...like, told me she'd hold her peace until I was ready, but she was watching the clock. It makes me feel very burdened somehow. Dead tired.
I know how you all feel, but I want this to work. I know it seems silly, stupid, at this point, but I want it so badly I can taste it.
And, yet--I asked him if he'd spoken with her again. He said no, that he'd deleted the number.
I believe that.
But, I believe it was the name he deleted. I think they still talk.
I feel paranoid.
And my best friend wants me to bail.
And you guys agree.
And, I don't want to.
And, I know I should.
He says I'm not being myself tonight. He says that I'm not being playful. He keeps asking me what's wrong.
I don't have anything to say.
I want to be still and quiet--this is a feeling I've not had since I was a very little girl. Since my first step-dad. When he'd get angry, or he'd cheat on my mom, or anything, Mom always told me to be very still and very quiet, and maybe it would go away.
I always went to the shower to do that. To sit under water hot enough to scald, and let it make all the noise for me.
He's been sweet today. Very nice. Very affectionate. Very teasing, and very like it was before.
And, all I want is to hide in the shower.
Steven Here...
ReplyDeleteGrace is in the shower. Like her I echoe many thanks of support for her. I know how I come across in all of this and I have no defense for the things I've done.
However, I truly do love Grace to the end of the earth and back and I will do what it takes to keep the woman that means everything to me.
I realize I've screwed up.... More times than I should ever have been allowed. Grace doesn't get to hear often enough how much she really means to me. The things I've done lately haven't shown her that much either.
I want to though... I REALLY want to show her.
To let her know she IS my princess and I am her knight.
To let her know SHE is my world
To let her know the ONLY girl I could ever love is her.
To prove to her she is more than enough for me
And most of all, to prove to her beyond a shadow of a doubt, from the very bottom of my heart... I am sorry.
I haven't been on this blog much, I typically allow her to do most of the talking, but I want her and everyone to publicly (Well DD public on here) to know I am committed to her and to this relationship.
I want more than anything for us to work and I know for Christmas all I deserve is a lump of coal in my stocking... and I'm perfectly fine with getting that as long as I can continue to spend every Christmas henceforth with the woman I love.
Sorry for the extended rant... but part of fixing what is wrong is admission. I wanted her to have it in writing and I wanted some of my toughest critics to have it as well. I'm not perfect by any means, but I'm going to strive to be much better, because that is what she deserves.
If you feel that strongly for Grace may I suggest you get some help to find out why you continued to do the things you did.
DeleteSteven - You put yourself out here so I am going to comment on what you had to say. Nowhere in your comment did you say you were sorry for how you have treated Grace. Not once!
DeleteYou have stated what you want but have you asked her what she wants?
I have been where Grace is now. Do you realize how badly you have hurt her and damaged her self-esteem - her feelings of self-worth as a woman? She is questioning why she is not enough, what is wrong with her, maybe she doesn't deserve anything but someone who is going to treat her badly. She opened herself up to you and treated you with the respect and trust an HoH deserves and by your actions, you flung it in her face.
Ya know, words are cheap. You can say and promise the world, but actions speak much louder. What are you actually willing to do to save this relationship?
You have to find the answers to some hard questions also - Why did you cheat and cheat and continue to cheat? What is it inside you that felt that need to cheat and lie? Put yourself in Grace's position - how would you feel if she had cheated on you? Forget a lot of times - just once? How would you feel if she lied to you?
If you really want a committed, long-term, relationship with Grace then I would suggest several things: Have medical tests done to ensure that you do not have any STDs including AIDs and provide Grace with the proof. Block that woman's phone number from your phone or totally change your number and do not call her. Go for counseling - individually so that you can figure out why you felt the need to hurt someone you claim to love and as a couple to find a way to come back together, if that is possible. You will need to work around Grace's schedule to make the couples counseling happen. Be patient, you cannot expect Grace to be her usual, playful self. You are going to have to earn her trust back which means that she were to check your whereabouts, you would be where you said you would be. If she checked your phone bill, there would be no calls to any unexplained woman. Trust and respect are something that you are going to have to earn back and DD should be totally off the table until you do. You have dug a deep hole for yourself and I'm not sure you will really be able to dig yourself out. I know that at this point, Grace wants to make things work but I will tell you now that without a lot of hard work on both sides, it will be a superficial, distrustful relationship, at best and a living hell for both of you at worst. I'm sorry if I come across as harsh but Grace deserves much better than the way she has been treated and made to feel. I cannot bring myself to wish you the best but I am wishing the best for Grace.
Cat
Hi Steven,
DeleteI know it seems like we are tough critics but please understand that we are very real and many of us are older and have been through the wringer of life. We care about Grace and therefore about you as well. She has already endured so much pain in her life and you are repeating the same pain she experienced as a child.
My heart aches for your Grace b/c I have been in a similar relationship and b/c of that, I'm going to be real honest with you. Her heart is broken and trust is going to take a long time. If what you say is true, that she is the only woman for you and that she is your princess, you must start to prove it day by day. I was very proud of both of you a while back when you decided that you were going to stop sleeping together and try to establish a foundation with each other. It showed that you do have the ability to communicate and work through big stuff together.
Being sorry about this is not enough. It's not only that this can never, ever happen again. You must take steps to make sure of that. As Cat has suggested, you must change your phone number and remove any way of contact. You must clear your computer of any accounts and do it with Grace right there. One password for everything and she has full access to it. Steven, sexual addition brings down men of the greatest rank. I suspect that you might tell Grace that this has nothing to do with her and that would be true. What you are fighting here goes deep and you can't tackle it alone. Counseling to figure out where it is coming from and then accountability. Grace is not your accountability partner. I would strongly encourage you to find an older man from your church who you respect and if you don't know one, go to one of your pastors and ask them to help you find one. You need someone who you will meet/talk with every single week for a very long time who will help you keep your commitment to remove this addiction from your life permanently.
Grace deserves to be cherished Steven, to be loved wholly and you have damaged her. I understand that desire she has to hide in the shower and to scald herself to hide from the pain. If you want to be with her, to marry her, to have a family with her and grow old together, start proving it to her today. If you cannot or are unwilling to change, she needs to know that as well. No pretending, no acting like old times or hoping you can just stop and move on. It won't work. If you are a Christian, then you know where your power comes from and you know who to turn to for the strength to make this change. Go there and get it.
Darling Grace - only you can decide what is best for you - not me, your best friend, Steven, or anyone else - only you. So you have to ask yourself some tough questions such as: Why do you want the relationship to work? Do you believe you don't deserve any better? Is it financial? Are you afraid of being alone? Do you think you are just like your mom? Can you ever trust Steven again? If so, what is it going to take? Until you have answers for these questions, I don't think you can make a solid decision. Whatever you decide, I want you to know that you have my wholehearted support. Sending lots of warm (((hugs))) and prayers your way.
ReplyDeleteBlessings,
Cat
I hope you got my email the other day. I am praying that you get the strength you need to do what is right for you.
ReplyDeleteSteven and Grace, I am sorry that this is happening in your lives. I totally understand the desire to want to continue a relationship with the person that you so love. If you can in any way, shape, or form, afford counseling, I suggest you go (even if you have to give up other things). Cheating is viewed differently by men, so they do not really, truely understand the deep pain. Men can separate love and sex. The counselor will help you both understand. Steven will have to acknowledge that he sees and understands what a huge destructive act cheating is, and how it destroys the relationship to the very core. If it were a physical wound rather than emotional, it would be a festering, infected, jagged, dirty cut to the bone, that is resistant to most treatments. It will take extreme measures to heal. It will take time and effort. It is most painful to Grace right now, but as it finally starts a small amount of healing, it will start spreading it's pain to Steven. Steven will have to see the pain. He will have to know it was because of his actions. He will have to be an open book IN EVERY SINGLE thing he does, thought he has, place he's been, person he's talked to, etc. He will have to be totally OK with questions, accusations, mood swings, etc. I suggest you go to Christian counseling. Reason: They acknowledge the problems that are associated with things like pornography, "just looking" at other women,etc. Non-christian counselors will tell you it doesn't matter where you get your appetite, as long as you come home for dinner. Well, with certain men, this attitude leads to cheating. A Christian counselor will help a man fight his battle of temptation in more constructive ways. Christian counselors know about the things of this world, just like other counselors do. They are not prudes. There are as many Christian people, deacons, elders, pastors, reverends, etc. as there are non-christian people having failed marriages for the same type of things. Temptation is not the problem... Everyone is tempted by something. A person has to learn how to react to the temptation that will not lead to failed relationships. You just have to want it bad enough to do what you have to do (do the work, and go through the hell). My husband and I did it. Steven, the pain is so great and so constant for a woman. I prayed to God that he would give me a terminal illness so I could just leave this world. I wanted to kill myself, but I loved my daughter too much to let anything make her feel unworthy. I felt so unworthy, unwanted, undesirable, and the pain was with me 24/7.Nothing I did made it go away. I just wanted the pain to stop. I don't say that to make you feel shame, because one of the things that I learned in counseling was this... Shame leads to more cheating. You see it's a cycle, much like overeating, alcoholism, etc. You cheat, You feel shame and worthlessness, then you cheat to make yourself feel better. You need to be sorry but not feel shame if that makes sense to you right now. You instead need to learn the power in knowing what to do instead. PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE... talk to your pastor to recomment a Christian counselor. It's expensive, but many will look at your income and set prices lower if necessary. If you have to give up on other things, GO. It's cheaper than break-ups. I can tell you after many years now, my relationship with my husband is better than ever. It's a slow and painful process, but it is well worth it. If you don't learn how to be a couple, it will just happen in other relationships anyway. Remember that many will be praying for you including me. Love and Prayers, Belle L.
ReplyDeleteThis comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteI wanted to say some things, but they are probably to mean. I, like Susie have been in a relationship like this - so I have some harsh feelings.
DeleteGrace - This is the time to think about YOU first, don't mind what your friend expects you to do.
While I wouldn't say with someone who has cheated, that's not my decision to make for you.
I only ask if you really REALLY want to be treated this way, because I feel like you deserve better. Steven has a problem, yes, but does that have to be YOUR problem and do YOU deserve to be bogged down by HIS problem?
Steven - I have to say I agree with Cat - sorry? I didn't see it in there.
Also - Grace says you were being playful and asking what's wrong?
DO you not see that you have ruined another human beings life and their trust so badly that they want to crawl into a scalding hot shower to escape the emotional pain? A person you are supposed to be loving and caring for?
You think she wants to be playful with you?
W O W
That just proves that you think you can do whatever you want and she will forgive and forget and move on.
I'm sorry.. I've obviously said too much.
Steven,
ReplyDeleteI, like the other ladies here, I have stood where Grace is standing. It makes you question everything about yourself, fundamentally, your very essence. And that was not even in THIS kind of relationship, where I have bared my soul.
You do not need absolution from anyone here, not me, not Cat, not Emi, not Susie, not, Belle or sunny girl, none of us. You need to earn it from Grace. You need not to put these words here, but to put the truth of your contrition in your actions. You need to tilt her face to yours and open your soul. You need to be as raw as you have made her before any kind of healing begins.
She deserves that closure, the right to give absolution. Only then, if she finds that she can allow you to prove that you can be trustworthy, can you begin to prove that you can giver her your faithfulness.
She deserves more than lip service, her pain is almost palpable. I ache for her and I wonder if you do?
Stay or go, Grace, do what makes you happy. It's your life and you get to choose. You have the power and the strength. I pray that Steven wants it enough to fight to win you back, because you deserve a guy who will fight to win you and to heal your heart.
ReplyDeleteI have never been in this situation, but reading the above posts, Grace, told me that you now have a way to see what kind of man Steven is. How he responds to the woman who commented about being wounded by a man will really tell you how he will be with you. What is he willing to do to regain your trust? How willingly does he embrace the suggestions contained above? Will he willingly seek to prove his fidelity through every test you ask him to pass?
Steven, in the messages above, you got some really good insight into the mind of a woman who has been cheated on. Do you want Grace in your life and love her enough to man up and do what the woman commenting above have suggested? Do you love her enough to continue to do it until she trusts you again? Even when you feel you've done enough, even when you feel redeemed, even when you feel like you've apologized enough, are you willing to keep on proving you are worthy of her trust?