The Ugly Inside

This post is going to seem super ungrateful, I think, especially since the last one was on Thanksgiving. I hate that, though, I really do, because I don't want to come across that way. I just need to spit some things out, and I think I'll feel much better, seeing all my thoughts in stark black and white. Maybe they'll make more sense that way.

It's strange how you can be having a great day, and one little thing can flip it all around, and send you spiraling into a thoughtful, moody sort of day instead. Today was a little like that.

Steven and I had a splendid afternoon together.  We already have our tree up, but we didn't have any outside Christmas decorations, and I really want my "tradition" to be going all out. I love Christmas, and since this is the first one that we've lived together for, I want to go ahead and get a jump-start on what I hope is tradition for many years to come. So, this morning, we loaded up together and picked out lights to decorate the front with. As we pulled into our driveway, our neighbors came outside and we introduced them to our newest addition: a beautiful little Yorkie puppy my Dad gave us. The five of us chatted for quite some time, and then my Dad came over to help Steven hang the lights.

I stayed inside, doing dishes, laundry, making tea, and the like. Steven did a lovely job--I can't say that Dad helped much, lol. He mostly comes over to chat, I think.

Anyway, when Steven left for work, Dad went home to check on his own dogs. He was supposed to come back and watch the Grinch with me. He didn't. Instead, I sat on the computer and looked up Christmas-y songs. I decided I might want to interpret one, so I was flipping through lyrics and such, until Facebook distracted me.

Once on there, I saw an old friend of mine's pictures. She was with a man; I pulled up  her page to Facebook stalk. They've only been in a relationship for a week, and I found myself snorting at the sheer number of pictures they had plastered everywhere. You'd think they'd been together for ages, all posts about "I'm blown away by your affection, beautiful" and sugary sweetness. She did look beautiful, thin and fit and happy.

And, a very ugly, jealousy emotion reared its head. I'm gaining weight, because I have some kind of allergy no one can fix that leaves me in hives after I work out. And, I want that perfect, cheery looking kind of relationship that comes at the first week of relationships, before there are any problems at all. Don't get me wrong, Steven is a wonderful man. He's so, so good to me. And, this is me being just a silly girl, but I want pictures and to flout our relationship. Really, and truthfully, I want to be married. That's the real thing. I've paid the "boyfriend" dues, I feel like. We've been together well over two years, and I so want the ring and the certificate and to feel like everything is right, and if we WANTED, we could have kids people would approve of. I want my family to not have to stumble over the words "daughter and son-in-law", because they feel like we're "practically married" anyway, but we're NOT. And I wish we were.

I have these two cousins; neither of them really have very steady jobs. One lives with an aunt of ours, nursing her new, beautiful baby boy--a child that has no daddy. At least not one that Mommy really knows who is. And the other? She snuck out in the middle of the night one night, leaving her ex-boyfriend living with her mother, to high-tail it to the other end of the US, and live with another computer boyfriend. Guess what. They're engaged. It's been less than a month.

I know that it's dumb to feel so super jealous about all of that, because both of them are doing something remarkably stupid. And, yet....I am. The one has asked me to be her maid of honor. Naturally, I said yes, and told her how thrilled I was for her.

But, I don't feel thrilled. I feel dark and ugly inside, and jealous, and wistful.

And, I know Steven. This is not something to bring up. He doesn't want to be married right now. And, it's not really a fair thing to fight about, because, seriously, who wants to marry someone they have to beg to pop the question?

I know he loves me. I know I'm just feeling morose. I know that it's about that time of month. I'm sure that's a contributing factor.

But, today?

Ew.