"Love monkey!" my cousin's voice was, as it is most of the time, pretty cheerful. Now, let me go ahead and point out that T is...well, she's like a sister to me. We were, quite literally, raised together. Her own parents kind of bailed when she was about five and she's lived with me, off and on, for the last fifteen or so years. But, she's pregnant, and I don't feel like she's ready. It terrifies me when I think of her, out on her own, with a bitty baby to tend. I've seen how she treats her dogs, and it just scares me to death. She tries, but she has no real role-model, and, God, I hate to watch her struggle. Usually, I try and fix whatever mess she's made. This isn't something I can do for her, becoming a mother. So, we've had more fights in the last several months than we have in the last several years....
And, yet, she knows me. I turned to face her.
"Shit, you look rough. What's the matter?"
"Nothing big," I sighed. "Just, Steven hurt my feelings a little bit. We were supposed to spend time together--only like a half hour--before I came to work, but his friend came over and he bailed out. I think I'm probably just blowing it out of proportion. I didn't tell you, but he cheated not long ago, and I think I'm just still trying to work through it."
"Oh, God! You found out?? That's fantastic! No offense, or anything, but I've had pictures of his profile on POF on my phone for AGES. I couldn't decide whether it was best to tell you, or just let you stay...you know...blissfully ignorant." My heart sunk and met my stomach somewhere down in the area of my toes.
"POF? What's...I don't know what that is." And she told me--it was another dating site, "Plenty of Fish". And she showed me pictures. It was the correct age, it was from about two months ago. He listed under pets our dogs, and under marital status, it read single. He was looking for "A woman" for "Dating, but nothing serious."
I felt the lump building in my throat, and fled to the bathroom after making some excuses to my co-workers. I called, and he said he didn't even remember making it. The account had already been deleted, (I checked before I called him), but just the knowledge that he was out on multiple sites looking for someone that was more than me...
I cried. For the whole rest of the shift and into today. I told him to pack his things, and to leave. Or to stay, but he could sleep on the futon, and that we weren't together. He told me not to talk like that, that we weren't broken up, that we couldn't be.
I don't know what we are. I felt some better this morning, but this is like any other stage of grief: it comes in its waves. Sometimes, my heart feels so full I want to burst. I want to take that pain out somewhere, to pour it out into water and watch it rush away. I find that I want to hurt him back. I want him to feel what I'm feeling, to hurt like I'm hurting.
I want to know how you can love someone, and still be looking, always looking.
But, I know we don't do well separate. I'm not sure I'm strong enough to leave. I'm not sure I'm strong enough to stay. I just want to curl up into a ball someplace quiet and still and be left alone.
As Steven pointed out, however, it showed no activity, and it had been deleted. He swore up and down that since I found out about fetlife, he'd been faithful, that it was only me, and it only ever would be me from here on out. He said if he'd remembered about POF, he'd have put it out on the table during the fetlife fiasco and gotten rid of it.
I'm confused and hurting. I feel like I must just be THAT girl. The one that everyone knows isn't going to be worth it, the one that is someone to come home to, a safe, solid, easy choice. A she'll-never-bail-workaholic that is there for sex when they want it, there for affection if they get the urge, and gone often enough that they can have everyone else they want, too. I feel like a finger food--pawed, handled, passed over in favor of something sweeter. I don't want that: I don't want to be a finger food; I want to be a forever.
Oh, sweetie, I'm so sorry she did this and so offhandedly. I'd say it was positive that he had already deleted the account, before you went to him about it.
ReplyDeleteI think it is important to - even HoH's are accountable in relationships like ours. If he is not going to hold himself accountable to you and your relationship, you need to until he steps up. It's important to communicate. I don't think it would be unsubmissive to say - we need to talk, you said that you would prove you loved me and then some, but I'm not feeling very loved when you took the half hour you promised me and gave it to your friend. If I cannot trust you to recognize the importance of something so small - to me and to us - how can I trust you to see the importance of bigger things?
I'm so sorry that you are going through this. Ward and I will keep you in our thoughts and prayers.
Grace, I've asked Ward to stop by and give you the male POV and some advice. He's been delayed at work, but he will try when he gets home if it's not too late, but he said that you are more than welcome to email him (and of course me :) ) at Ward_June@ymail.com. (((hugs))) sweetie.
DeleteOh I can't tell you how sorry I am. I feel every single part of your pain that you've written down. I've been cheated on in the past. I understand exactly what you're feeling. It does feel like a grief that you can never get closure from. Whatever way this goes, it will get better. You, will get better and it really is true, that time does heal.
ReplyDeleteThinking about you.
Dee x
Grace,
ReplyDeleteHas he set up anything (aside from you) to help him with accountability with this? Can you be assured that he's working through the deeper issues of what led him to wander in the first place? Seeing him do this work might help give you some confidence.
He does need to prove his love and loyalty. I'm so sorry at how badly you are hurting and understand how any new information can throw you into a whole new tailspin.
Trust is a terrible thing to lose and he has lost yours. He has to earn it back and he needs to prove that he deserves you. Don't just give him the benefit of the doubt - keep checking and if he doesn't understand that then too bad. I am so sorry you are hurting so much.
ReplyDeletehugs friend. check your email. let's chat.
ReplyDeleteI have felt the feelings you are having now. As soon as I told the counselor that I didn't know what to do, that he was asking if he should go or stay, she answered me very simply "You don't have to do anything RIGHT NOW." It was like some huge weight was lifted off my shoulders, because in my swirling emotional mind, I thought I had to make that decision immediately. There are going to be all kinds of feelings you will have, and all of them are going to HAVE TO be ok with him if he wants your relationship to work. He must answer every question you ask, he must comfort you in your anger and in your sorrow. He must be willing to take all the blame. It is important to see how it has hurt you, and he must own it. If you want things to go on, then you must forgive him even though you will not trust him for a long time. He will have to prove his love to you. Maybe it means he must give up the computer all together. WHAT EVER IT TAKES. He must tell you where he's going, who else is going, and not go if you don't feel right with it. You will have to show your love to him, even when your mind is thinking of what he's done. I made love to my husband, and the whole time was thinking of what he and she did together. I would pray during love making that God would help me through it, and that he would help me love him again. Grace, it is hard for both, but if you get through it, it is so worth it. I am so sorry you have to go through it all. It's easier to get a divorce, and just decide you'll hate him. You must ask him if he's willing to go through the work, the questions, the accusations, and the emotions. I continue to keep you both in my prayers. There is one other thing my husband did. He asked another man, a godly man, if he would be willing to be someone to hold him accountable. If you can afford to go to counseling, both go to one. Make sure it's a Christian counselor, not one that will tell him it's ok to look, just don't touch. A Christian counselor has heard everything any other marriage counselor has heard. I know I have said a lot, if you don't want to hear it it's ok. One more piece of advice. Don't let him think you can't live without him. I suggest the book "Tough Love" for only you to read, not him. I read it, acted different, but had to tell my teenage daughter not to be concerned. I acted as though there was a great chance of us not making it. Started making list of all our stuff, so incase we split it would already be written out. When I put the Christmas decorations away, I divided them into the ones that would be more special to him, and ones special to me, etc. My husband started being concerned. He didn't see me as someone who would stay, no matter what he did. He would truely have to prove himself. Get the book. God Bless You and Yours, Belle L.
ReplyDeleteThere is somthing so easy about love... you make time for it. I am so sorry to hear that he has lost your trust and even sorrier to hear that when granted a chance to mabey reconnect and reaffirm your bonds that he could not do that. I hope that whatever happens you know that you have the support of many wonderful people, including me!
ReplyDeleteGrace, I don't know if I commented to much. I realized the way I worded one sentence "if you don't want to hear it it's ok" could be interpreted in a way that I certainly didn't mean. Please forgive me if I said anything that was not appropriate. I really meant if you don't want to hear it, it's ok to tell me so. Sometimes well meaning words, when not voiced by trained professionals, are more harm than good. I just hurt inside when another person ever has to go through the awful pain of betrayal. Love and Prayers, Belle L.
ReplyDeletePS.. (sorry) The book I recommended is not Tough Love, It is LOVE MUST BE TOUGH by James Dobson, a Christian writer. It was recommended to me by my therapist and it changed my whole way of handling things.
ReplyDeleteWow, guys. As always, I'm overwhelmed by your support. And, as this week has been a rough one, complete with days sitting in the hospital, and culminating in the death of his grandmother, I've needed it. I so appreciate your comments and support--and, Belle, dear, you can never comment too much! I've loved reading it! I plan on posting soon, and I'll respond then to them. :) Bed time, for now.
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