Trusting a New Start

So. As many of you know, Steven and I--we have some trust issues. Mine come from the whole cheating thing--and it doesn't take just a whole lot to set off those insecurities. His...his are a little different.


When I get upset, I throw bombs. Not even gonna lie. I'm fighting, and, in my family, an argument has always been a "to the death"(figuratively speaking) thing. The things I say are barbed and cutting, and, let's be honest here, they're intended to hurt. His trust issues come from him being open and honest with me, and then me hurting him in return.

Recently, we had a big argument--he didn't want to lend me his phone, I lost my temper, I brought up the whole cheating fiasco in front of his parents...specifically, his dad, whom he idolizes. I was rude and hateful. Did I really feel all those horrible, it's-happening-again-oh-my-I-can't-handle-this feelings? Absolutely. Should I still have been in control of myself? Absolutely. When we got home, I refused to speak to him. And, he, fed up with the whole thing, went to our room and laid down. I traipsed into the kitchen and had my way with a little of the whiskey he keeps. Then, I proceeded to serenade the dogs with various songs from the new Disney movie Frozen.

Which, naturally, alerted him to the fact I wasn't totally sober. He lost his temper, furious that I would drink after everything else. His spanking was a little more than a spanking ought to have been, though mercifully short. I, however, continued to throw bombs. I said the most horrible things I could think of, including, but not limited to, I'm ashamed to say, "If I had known all the SHIT you were going to put me through, the day that I met you, I would have RUN! Turned tail and run! And you know what? I would have been right to do it!"

All that to say, our trust stuff needs some working out. Thankfully, through all of that, we agreed that it needed sorting. It's going to be a long row to hoe, for sure, but we have some ideas that are hopefully going to smooth the road a bit.

Firstly, we're going to write one another weekly letters. From the point we receive them from the other, we have three days before we respond. That time is for thinking, mulling, praying, considering...really 'listening' to the other's point of view. Then, we'll have a sit down chat to discuss what the letters said. They can be positive, or they can be things we're concerned about or feel need addressing. They can be anything. We just think that it's important to kind of..."start over", if you will. I had the really sad realization that we're not really best friends anymore. We need an almost "re-get to know you" period to get a handle on all the things we've let slide.

Secondly, we're reassessing the rules. Together. What they are for me, what they are for him...we've instituted a ten minute rule prior to any spanking. That way, we both know we're both in control of our tempers.

And, we're practicing just being totally honest with one another. It was a hard conversation to have, last night. Long and emotionally grueling--a difficult look at a hard place in our lives. At the same time, though, it was heartening, freeing.I saw a quote not long ago: an interviewer had asked an elderly couple who had been married 65+ years how they'd stayed together. "Easy," they replied. "We came from a time where if something was broken, you fixed it, not threw it away."

And, so, we're looking to that. And to God. And, we're going to fix this.

And...

In celebration of such a declaration--

We had a tickle fight/pillow fight....

I won. :)



(Sort of.)

A Happy :)

Today is a good day. A very good day.

Today I can get some housework done, we have heat, the dogs are playing nicely with one another, and when my husband gets home, we can finally spend some quality time together.

This week has definitely been one of the harder ones since before we got married. I have been exhausted--mentally and physically drained, falling into bed each morning after work, and waking just early enough to get a quick shower in before I went back to work.

My patients have been difficult--either dying or violent. This week, I was doubled over by being hit in the stomach with a breathing machine, I was brutally pinched(like, bruises kind) by a sizable male patient who then assured me the only reason I wasn't already dead is because he couldn't think of  bridge big enough to bury me under, and that he wanted to shove a knife down my throat, just to see what I'd look like, bleeding out. I had a different patient who was placed on Comfort Care--always an emotional experience for me. It's so hard to watch a family grieve a death--especially an impending, not even happened yet--kind of death.

We found out that very, very close friend was in the hospital herself.

The heat man called and asked if he could wait to fix our heat, since it was cold outside.

I'm going to leave that one alone, acutally... :P

All, that to say, I've just been utterly drained.

But, today is a good day. A great day!! Today--I'm off. Steven will be home soon. And, I want to cuddle. :)

I'm looking so forward to seeing my man!!

A Rambling, Slightly Frazzled Look At The New Year So Far...

  With the start of this new year, there has come quite a bit of stress--and, I'm trying to remember--quite a bit of opportunity for improvement, advancement, and growth.

Steven was denied for his financial aid. He can't go to school until the summer, when we can pay for it outright. The downside? This delays our move and adds another thing we need to save for. The upside? We have more time to save, and we have another chance to strengthen our relationship and marriage through pushing through a difficult sort of time.

Our dogs took sizable chunks out of one another. Downside? Uhm, they tore each other up. And, I don't feel as though I can trust them alone. The upside? They finally have a date set to get fixed, something that had kind of fallen to the wayside, in light of their easy going temperaments.

Steven got a promotion. All upside there. A raise, and a move up into a preferable position. :)

School starts back on Tuesday. This is a plus, because I'm finally moving foward, and I can stop working myself into the ground--which is what I do when I don't have school. It's a down, because...geez, I don't want to go back to school.

And the list just keeps going on. I'm feeling like I don't have a lot of control over my life right now, and, unfortunately...it's an easy thing to guess how I respond to the stress...I spiral, spin out. My temper frays, my housework goes uncompleted(largely, in this case, because our heat has been out for nearly two weeks, and they can't come to fix it until Wednesday...it's just been too dang cold to work around the house this past little bit. But....WEDNESDAY!! Woot, woot!! T minus two days!). I feel the need to work more and more and more, and I lose sight of my relationships. Steven has finally started yanking me back down to earth, and I'm grateful for it. Even if it means my hand cramps from writing lines(seriously. one of my LEAST favorite things to do! Especially since he doesn't do the whole, short "I will stop...blah blah blah" kind of line. Ooooh, no. His is all, "I understand that my attitude has had detrimental effects on myself, my husband, and our relationship. It is within my ability to change my attitude, and I will do so immediately.") ((Makes me shudder just remembering how long THAT took)), and I'm super sore when I sit, also. He just goes to being super strict about everything. There's no leeway, no wiggle room, no leniency, no easing off, or reducing punishments...it's just been no fun at all.

I still feel a little out of control, but...at the same time, I'm comforted to know at least ONE of us is in control and calm about everything.

So...

Yeah.


On that note, hoping everyone else is having a good start to the new year....it's nearly time for bed for me!!

Utter Panic

I know this is going to seem ridiculous, something crazy to be so upset about that I feel the need to "get it off my chest"...but, I don't remember the last time my heart was squeezed so tightly in my throat, or panic sat so deeply in my belly.

I was on the phone with Steven this afternoon as I pulled into our driveway. He was at work, and I was happily chattering away on his lunch break. I opened our door and, as always, went straight to let the dogs out. All three bounded past, and I never even looked in the room; instead, I followed them to the front door and swung it open. When they stepped out into the better light, I noticed a sort of sticky looking residue on Kiesar, my Doberman, and Diesel, Steven's Boxer. I squinted.

"Steven, I think the dogs peed and laid in it or something," I groused, moving back to check their room to see the extent of the damage. When I slid open their door again and stepped inside, I nearly vomited. Blood was sprayed all up the four white walls, staining thick ropes and splatters and droplets crimson. It soaked their sleepy-time blanket, and great red drops of it covered the floor. "Oh, my...oh, oh, oh..." I know Steven must have been frustrated, listening to my voice rise in panic, and me, hardly able to enunciate what I was seeing. When I finally stammered it out to him, I ran back to the front yard, just in time to see Ki limping up the steps and blood dripping down the white patch on Diesel's chest.

I don't know what set them off. I've never before even seen these two buddies shoot each other a dirty look...and here they are...both laying beside me, licking deep puncture wounds all over each others' bodies--bites that they caused. There's a certain hesitancy there, on both parts, though more on Ki's than Diesel's, but they seem to be improving. Still, it terrifies me to see the chunk torn out of my Dobie's ear and the huge punctures all over their heads, faces, ears, chests, legs....

I feel so stunned and scared and sickened.

And, I still can't get the blood off the walls.

Two Little Moments

The first, a funny:

Me: "Steven, which is your favorite Skittle?"
Steven: "All of them. I just get a handful and put them all in my mouth."
Me: "Really? At one time?? You mean, you've never tried each one individually?"
Steven: "Nope, Grace. I taste the rainbow."

 

The second needs a little bit of background. I work nights, and by the time I get home in the mornings, Steven has usually left for work. By the time he gets home in the evenings, I'm usually gone for work. The three nights a week I work consistently--Thursday, Friday, Saturday--are days we see very, very little of one another. But, how blessed am I? Because Steven goes home, cooks dinner, and then waits until I'm going to be hungry and as free to take a lunch as one ever gets in a  hospital, and brings it up to work and eats with me. Every. Single. Night. I. Work. After he's had a long day himself. This particular night, I was missing him fiercely, and dreaded him leaving. I must have gotten three kisses goodbye before I grabbed his arm.

"Walk me upstairs," I pleaded. He gave me a look, but, with little argument, he followed me into the elevator. I hung onto him as we jerked up past the first, the second, the third, the fourth, and finally clumped to a stop at the fifth floor.

"I love you," he kissed me again, clearly intending to just ride back down.

"NO! You have to walk me to my station, Steven!! It's just right there, look you can see it from here!"

"Grace..." he sighed, but complied again, taking my hand. We finally stopped right at the very last step that he could follow and he kissed me again. This time, I let him make it about four steps before I called, "Wait! You didn't give me a goodbye hug! Those are important!"

"Grace," he said, turning back with another look. "If you could survive on as little sleep as I did, Rome would burn." Because he'd been up for hours, and it was almost 3 am, and he had to work in the morning, and I felt a horrid little pang of guilt. My eyes dropped.

"I'm sorry..." I whispered. "You didn't have to come. Here, go home. I love you. Text me and let me know you get home safe." With a small growl, he grabbed me up in a hug.

"I said Rome would burn  if YOU tried to function on this little sleep," he told me. "I, on the other hand, do it all the time." And then there was his perfect smirk, a kiss, the all important hug, and he was gone.

He's so good to me.

A Poll, Of Sorts...

He-ey, everyone!! I hope you all had as merry and blessed a Christmas as we did! So many highlights--I can't begin to name them all!!

Will say, however, that watching the dogs open their stockings...that...THAT was hilarious. :)

Anywho...as my title today says, this is a poll of sorts.

As I mentioned sometime last week, I think, Steven and I had been discussing the possibility of moving to Kentucky. Yesterday, we kind of sealed the deal. Regardless of how quickly he gets his degree, we intend to move in two years. So, we have a little bit of time on our hands, but, it hardly seems enough to get good and started. After much consideration and debate and thoughts and discussion, we've decided that it would be the best move for our little family.

That being said--we've never moved further than about ten miles at a stretch. (Except for Steven...he moved a couple hours out, once, but it was for college, and he lived in a dorm, so I don't quite feel it counts the same as picking up and moving a small family...). As I think you know, we have a 2 year old Boxer, a 9 year old Great Dane, a 1 year old Doberman, and a 1 1/2 year old cat. We also have a house, currently, that we would prefer to rent out, rather than sell, due to some of the stipulations on  our lending agreement.

So. On to the poll: What should I put on my to-do list? What's the most important thing? How do you make out a two year plan to up and move away? What does it take to make a rental house work for you? What are any tips, tricks, or anything of the like that you guys would love to share with a slightly overwhelmed, but excited, Grace? :P Do any of you guys live in KY, or have lived there, and have any tips about the area?

 

We'll take all the info we can get!!

A Teensy Weensy Bit Early...

Everyone a Very, Very Merry Christmas!! (I'm sure I'll post again before New Year's, but I doubt it before Christmas.) This is my favorite time of the year, hands down.I love the opportunity for giving, I wish I could love snow, but we never seem to get any, I love the old classic movies--my favorite is The Year Without a Santa Claus. I adore the tree, and the reindeer antlers and Santa hats that both my husband and my dogs good-naturedly wear for me.


Most of all, of course, I love our "Reason for the Season", as over used as that phrase may be. I think it's the most incredible thing that God squeezed all His might into the form a little baby boy--the start of the climax of the greatest story ever written. It blows my mind, when I look up at the stars(we live kind of out in the country, away from city lights that dim their wonder), and imagine that ONE star could be so big and so bright that people could follow it for miles and miles and miles to such a specific place, and arrive so perfectly on time. I love the song "Labor of Love" because it paints such a vivid picture in my mind.
 
 I've posted it at the bottom, in case you haven't heard it, but here's the lyrics, also:

It was not a silent night
There was blood on the ground
You could hear a woman cry
In the alleyways that night
On the streets of David's town
And the stable was not clean
And the cobblestones were cold
And little Mary full of grace
With the tears upon her face
Had no mother's hand to hold
It was a labor of pain
It was a cold sky above
But for the girl on the ground in the dark
With every beat of her beautiful heart
It was a labor of love
Noble Joseph at her side
Callused hands and weary eyes
There were no midwives to be found
In the streets of David's town
In the middle of the night
So he held her and he prayed
Shafts of moonlight on his face
But the baby in her womb
He was the maker of the moon
He was the Author of the faith
That could make the mountains move
It was a labor of pain
It was a cold sky above
But for the girl on the ground in the dark
With every beat of her beautiful heart
It was a labor of love
For little Mary full of grace
With the tears upon her face
It was a labor of love

When the song says that Mary had no mother's hand to hold, my first thought is that she was being held herself, in God's grace and love and mercy, and that, such a short time later, she had Jesus' little hand to hold, and how surely that made everything worth it.

Blows. My. Mind. So. That was my remember what Christmas is all about speech. :)

Also--little side-note: SUPER stoked about Steven's Christmas morning...

We we supposed to get just stocking stuffers--most of our stuffers don't fit in the stocking, but we're pretending all the same... I got him some of the usual stuff, ya know: a game, Scattergories(fab, if you haven't played it), a stubby wrench set, a little bit of whiskey(for him, not for me!), hand warmers(he works in the weather...if it's hot, it's really, really hot, and if it's cold it's freezing kind of thing...), new socks...that kind of thing...candy, of course...but, my pride and joy...

And, it's cheesy, I know.

See this? It's me not caring.. :P

I got one of those cheap, frosty kind of shower curtains...you know, the opaque kind? And I started at the very tippy top in permanent marker and wrote him a Christmas note.

It had some Merry Christmases. It had a couple quotes, some song lyrics that mean a lot to us( I won't give up, by Jazon Mraz and Fall Into Me by Sugarland), some slightly risque things, of course, and then a bunch of things that I really love and appreciate about him.

All the way down to the very, very bottom....

Here's hoping he likes it, and it's not too much cheese... :P

And, here is wishing you all again--a Super Duper Merry Christmas!!