When Ya Just Wanna Say, "They Started It"...

This could turn out to be a very long, rambling, confusing story. And, it's just as well, because I feel very confused, and very spent. I don't understand totally where my feelings are, or what they mean, or why I'm having them.

Steven and I have a couple friend--let's go with Marc and Jenni, to make it less confusing on that front. Marc and Steven have been best friends since they were little--they went through boy scouts together, we moved in together a week before they got married, they practically lived at one another's house growing up. And, quite frankly, the two of them are so scarily similar in so many ways it's not even funny.

And, then, there's Jenni. We all four went to school together, but ran with different circles, so I only knew her as a running partner in track. When Steven and Marc would hang out, though, they often wanted their women with them, so she and I started being very good friends. Now, though, I find her company exhausting. She's extremely critical, and it just wears me out. Before Steven and I were married, we were wrong because we were sleeping together before marriage; that was the first thing, and I could kind of go with that.

But, then we got married, and we bought a house. The colors were awful, I needed a folding table in the laundry room, the bedroom was too small, and she didn't like the paneling in the dog's area.

They are in the process of buying and remodeling a house that's bigger than ours, but is in far worse shape, so now I'm going about my schooling wrong.

I shouldn't be shooting for NP license after my RN, because it's 'crazy' wanting to work in a hospital for the rest my life. Also, (we work in the same hospital, doing the same job, mind, she just works days to my nights, 4 North to my 4 South), I should switch to days, despite the pay cut, because the people who work nights are 'lazy' because we don't give baths.

And, to top that off, I should go down to part time and make Steven pick up an extra job, like she's doing to her husband, because going to school full time and working full time is 'stupid.' Not that I'm 'really going full time. I mean, seriously, Grace, your school is only four days a week, mine's five.'


Her relationship with her husband also makes me sincerely uncomfortable. When we go to the men's softball games(they play on the same team), she wants to leave, and wants me to go with her. 'It's so HOT out here, Grace! I just want to LEAVE.'

"Jenni, your husband is batting."
"OH, it'll be over in just a second anyway, there's not really any point in watching. See, there? It's already over."

They get in these horrible, us-before-DD-and-then-some fights, with holes in the walls and coffee tables that crash to the floor, glass shattering to accent the sounds of the yells. They argue some in front of us, and it's always so uncomfortable to me. Steven and I have been talking about them a lot recently, because I've been less willing than usual to go help them set up their house.

Their relationship has baffled us, the lack of respect on both sides stunning us, and worrying us for their future. But, and maybe it's just THAT time of the month talking, but last night, I had the uncomfortable 'who are WE to judge that relationship' feeling. After all, he's cheated, and I've gone out driving with a guy friend of mine deep into the night, leaving Steven sick jealous. We've argued. He's lost his temper, I've thrown things. Granted, all of these things have been more than a little while back, but still...

Who are we to say we're different?

They argue, scream, punch walls, cold silences--but they've never looked away from the other. It's always only been them, since they were married.

And, what if I'm just deluding myself, that we're doing better? It feels that way, but, if you'll remember, the first time I caught him cheating--the post just prior was a huge breakthrough for me. I felt like we were doing the best we'd ever done, that we were turning a corner in our relationship...and all the while, I wasn't enough. Why is this time different? How do I know that it is? What if I'm just fooling myself?

Last night, when he and I talked, he lay beside me on the bed in the dark and kissed the side of my face. "We're working on us, Grace," he told me. "We're really working on openness and communication. Both of us. We've made mistakes, it happens. We're working on it."

I'd asked him if he thought we were going to make it, if we could do more than survive with our relationship, if we were going to thrive. There was no hesitation. "Yes." But, what if I had asked him that question last May? Would there have been hesitation then? Could I even tell a lie from the truth?

After a long moment of silence, he leaned his head against mine and said quietly, simply, "I'm sorry." A heartbeat, two, a breath.

"For what?"

"Hurting you. This should never have been something you had to worry about."

I lay in bed, still enough to count his breaths, thinking last night. And, you know what I've decided? For some reason, today, I'm hurting. I don't understand where all this is coming from. I don't know how to deal with it. He's been so good to me lately. He's treated me like an angel, tells me how excited he is that I'll be off more now for school, that he'll have my evenings instead of the hospital. That we'll make it. When I got upset over the money situation, he held me and rocked me.

"Just spank me already," I snapped. "Get it over with."

"Mm, mm," he answered. "I don't think you need spanking. I think you need holding."

He's been the kind of leader I've always wanted out of him...and yet...

What if this is all fake? And, I'm just too stupid to see it, just like before?