Waiting For a Spanking...Ew

There's something really, really unpleasant about waiting for a spanking...

ESPECIALLY if I know that said spanking is going to be...quite sincere.

Add on to that a total, crushing weight of guilt...

And, you get: Suck. And Dread. Like, capital D Dread.

I worked last night. Went in at 7. Arrived home at 7:30. At 7:45, Steven had to get up and get ready for work. He gets off at 7 tonight, then a thirty minute drive home. And, then, I'm sure, I will get a truly terrible thrashing.

I've mentioned several times that we're closing on the house soon. Wednesday, in fact. We were laying in bed, trying to discuss the times that would work best last night, when his phone buzzed. We both knew it was the lending lady, so I snatched it to be the first to see what she said.

Irritated, he snatched it back and took it straight into the text and showed it to me.

To a normal person, I'm sure that would be no big deal...to me, I had flashbacks a certain other intercepted text messages and the heart wrenching months that followed. Immediately, I flopped over onto my stomach, facing away from him.

"Fine," I hissed, irate. "Go cyber-fuck whoever you want. See if I care."

(In case you guys missed it, that was definitely a mistake.)

"What?"

"You heard me," I grumbled. And, he swatted me! (Granted, now I'm very aware that it was for attitude..but, at the time--and I still don't know that I feel it was his wisest course of action, given the circumstances--all I could feel was a horrible sting and the feeling he was scquelching my feelings for his mistakes.)

Like a jackrabbit, I popped up and---

(Insert groan and face palm here)

Slapped him, right across the face. I called him a cheating son of a bitch, and everything else I could think of. We argued for the next hour while I got ready for work. I felt angry, and wore it like armor, not letting myself feel anything else.


I thought he was going to spank me.

He told me he intended to. And then added, "But not right now. You're not in the right frame of mind, it'll just make you angry. And, I'm not cheating. I haven't since that last time. I'm trying to prove that I 'm ready for it to just be us, starting our life's journey together. I'm sorry for what I've done. But, right now--a spanking won't be something that helps you. It'll just piss you off." A pause. "Do you need me to bring you lunch?"

I informed him quite roundly that I was NEVER going to be in the right mindset for a spanking for slapping him, when God knew he deserved it! Steven shrugged me off. I had just finished getting dressed, when I turned around and looked at him.

"Why? Why wasn't I good enough then, and what on earth makes me good enough now? I haven't changed."

He sighed.

"It was never about you not being good enough. Never. You are. I don't know what possessed me when I did that, but it was wrong, and not at all your fault." He said it was all on him....

But.

I still slapped him.

And that's always off limits. He assured me that he never hit me anywhere but the bottom, and I was never to hit him. But, especially not in the face.

I left, and I stewed. And simmered. And cursed. And cried. And worked. And, slowly, remorse started to filter in.

I don't think my panic or reaction were inappropriate. I feel that they were the consequences of what he's done, and that they will take a long, long time to heal.

But...hitting...eesh.

Out of line.

And, now...

Now, I wait.

Ew.